It's A Wonderful Life

We all want to be loved and accepted. We all want to fit it. This is something I thought would dissipate in adulthood, but I've realized that is not the case. We all have insecurities and age is inconsequential. 

Once you're an adult and out of school, your priorities change. So maybe now, staying in on a Friday night does not feel lame. Perhaps you stop caring so much about how you dress or what others think about your car (or maybe not). And perhaps your friendships, cherished as they may be, are not as important as your relationship with God, your family, and your spouse. Priorities...

Of course, adults don't always have their priorities straight. Jobs have a tendency to overshadow other areas of life, sometimes parents put their kids above their marriage, and God knows we all selfishly put our own desires and wants above His.

For for most part I've enjoyed the transition to adulthood. I love being married. I love staying in on the weekends. I even like the consistency that comes with working normal hours and going to bed before 1am. But I still overanalyze, I still worry, and I still feel left out.

That's right, left out. How very elementary of me.

I recently decided to let go of this. I am so incredibly blessed to have the life that I have and the relationships that I have. Getting insecure or jealous of the difference in my relationship with someone in comparison to their relationship with someone else...well it's kind of silly. It screams of insecurity and lack of trust in God. 

So I can't promise that the feeling won't sneak up on me when I don't feel as close to friends as I once did, or as close to them as they are to others. But I will fight that urge and remind myself how blessed I am. It's time to stop falling into the pit of comparisons (comparing yourself to others never turns out well) and start honoring God with the life he's given me. And it is a wonderful life. :) 

(Thanks for the lesson George Bailey!)

Twins: The Babies, Not the Baseball Team

Twins, Genders, and Motherhood in General

I intended to post about surrender today...but isn't it more fun to tease people with talk of babies? (The answer is "Yes").

As I was writing about surrender it occurred to me that though I trust God's plans for our lives and in no way want to rush those plans, I've always had my own ideas about how I think my life should go. And I mean notions about things that I have absolutely no control over so there's no sense in getting attached to them. One examples is...(yes I realize I already gave it away)...BABIES! And I'm not talking about the the when, I'm talking about the what.

We want to be parents someday (revelation, I know). I guess maybe I should surrender even that notion since it's possible we aren't able to have kids, but I figure one way or another (adoption or natural) the desire is in our hearts to be parents. Unless something changes drastically, I think parenthood is a major part of our future. <---emphasis on the word future, noted (this post was not triggered by having baby on the brain).

For years, I have said that I want my kids one at a time and that I do not want twins. No twins. Got that? Okay, good. Never mind that they run in our family and haven't hit anyone in awhile...they're pretty rare right? Look God, I just don't want duplicates okay?!? You can handle that right?????

Then I got married and talking about kids got more serious. So I decided that since this attitude was mostly due to the fact that the idea of learning to be a mom on multiples was terrifying I later revised the statement to..."Okay well I at least don't want twins on my first pregnancy."

Guess what? I have no control over whether or not I will have multiples. (Shocker, I know). And since I know this and kids are not a distant someday (that I can talk about with my girlfriends while picking my future celebrity husband out of a magazine) anymore...well this attitude just won't do. I may get pregnant with twins and I don't want everyone thinking I will be upset about it, cry, or even that I am against other people having twins.

So I decided it was time to surrender that selfish notion. I started reading blogs by parents with multiples (hey, lots of people are successful at this) and making lists of things I want to buy or do that I can only do if I have twins. And you know what? I think I'd be excited about about having twins. Maybe a little more scared, but my heart has changed. Bring em on.

Similarly...I have always had very strong feelings about the genders of my future kids. For the longest time I wanted all boys...maybe one girl, but definitely boys. I figure I'd be better with boys having grown up with brothers and being impatient with emotions. I definitely didn't want all girls...I know those houses and they are dramatic (and also spend twice as much money on toilet paper). Then I got married to a man who wants a little girl...maybe more than one. *sigh* Okay...    

These days my ideal is to have both boys and girls. I still have all sorts of ideas about birth order, how many of each, etc....but again...I have no control over that and I don't want people to think I'm not excited about whatever we end up having.

I know that whatever we have and in whatever order (oh and however many at a time) I will be excited. It is not in my control and it will be exactly the kids we were meant to have.

So if I announce that we're pregnant with twin girls in the future...have no fear. I'm totally okay with that.

Road Map: Life Lately

I haven't been writing much lately. My mind has been busy trying to break down all the changes I'm experiencing as of late. They are less tangible that you might think, but they are important none the less. I think John Paul and I are entering a healthy period of transition. Decisions are being made that could drastically change our direction, but I'm thankful that we're finally starting to have some direction.

This time last year we were relatively new to Buffalo. We were newlyweds, we hadn't really settled in, we didn't have friends in the area yet or even as much family in the area as we now have. We were in a tiny apartment with no dishwasher, loud neighbors and a thermostat we had zero control over. We had no idea how much of any of it was temporary.

A lot has changed already. We have friends in Buffalo, we have regular commitments, we've received promotions and raises, and we moved into an apartment that we love. We've settled into Buffalo, yet we're probably more in transition now than ever before. I'm craving stability, and yet part of me knows that the openness of our future keeps me from feeling locked in. <---I don't like acknowledging this because I consider it a negative, but it's the truth.

Honestly, I still feel caught in between all the normal social circles most of the time. The women I've become closest to these past few months are single. The majority of the time I barely notice, but sometimes I feel left out or disconnected. I also can't help but think that their lives (spouses, jobs) could take them anywhere at anytime...away from Buffalo. John Paul and I have also recently become involved in a small group for young married couples---which we're excited about, but since they all have kids we feel like we don't completely fit in or belong. We can't speed up or slow down for either and sometimes it's frustrating. But in all fairness, we do have some wonderful recently married friends we are getting closer to and we are very thankful for all the friendships we've developed here.

I am incredibly thankful for the friends we have made in Buffalo and the ones I have scattered all over the country. I am thankful for friends who think differently than I do---for challenging me and stretching me. I am also thankful for like minded friends that keep me grounded and encourage me when I'm struggling. The last few weeks have held some absolutely wonderful and uplifting times with friends. (Thank you!)

And they've also held moments when I've felt a little lost.

I guess I just feel so very different than even myself just one year ago. I feel things in my life changing that I didn't expect to change so quickly like priorities, relationships, and even passions. I find myself overwhelmed at times, struggling against some of the changes, or at least coming to terms with them. I feel like they are probably good changes, or at least not bad changes. But I've never experienced anything like this up to this point. I've changed yes---but in a much more progressive self-centered way. The changes now are influenced by things like being marriage: making decisions that bring you closer together and benefit you both.

This post has been a little personal and very rambly but a huge release. Thank you so much for reading, for encouraging me, and for being my friend though all the ups, downs, changes and transitions.

Sometimes, I hate being a girl.

Sometimes, I hate being a girl. I know, I know---shocking. outrageous.

When I was a little girl I thought being a woman was probably the best deal ever. I could be a tomboy by day in my ripped up jeans and bare feet; and I could be girly on weekends in pretty dresses and very large bows. Basically, I got the best of both worlds while my brothers had to conform to the much narrower "boy" role. Ha, no dresses for them! (Although I do have a picture of Matt in a prom dress from his high school days, but that's neither here nor there). I wanted to be better than boys at sports but I also wanted them to tell me I was pretty.

Yep, I felt pretty lucky that I got to be a girl. And okay, I still like it most of the time.

But sometimes I hate it. It seems completely unfair that I should have to carry the burden of being the more emotional of the two genders. I'm not saying boys can't be emotional...but hormonally, we're just different. For whatever reason, our hormones are tied intricately together with our emotions. It's like there is a major artery binding them and we can't risk disconnecting them without nicking the artery and bleeding to death.

I have never been a particularly emotional girl. I've even been known to get annoyed at other girls when they are acting on emotions that are irrational. But at the end of the day, even if I battle them, even if I'm slow to show them to others, all those emotions---irrational or not---are there.

So to all the other ladies in my life and out in the world---if you ever have days where you get a sudden wave of emotion that makes you tear up over a commercial, if you ever feel like others might accuse you of being bipolar because you "perked up" from a bad day a little too quickly, if you ever get depressed even when things are going well in your life, if you ever get sappy feelings from a romantic comedy, or even if you ball your eyes out in front of a confused and concerned husband but can't give him a reason why---you are not alone.

I've found some solace lately in reading the honesty of other bloggers who admit to having some of these crazy emotional episodes and it helps me feel a little more normal. I'm not crazy, I'm not weird, I'm just a woman and a strong one at that.

Oh that Restless Plateau

Lately I feel like a number of areas in my life are plateauing.

I'm happily married and have a steady job. I don't have deadlines to meet or ever changing class schedules. I don't have the stress of the unknown that I had in college. I've settled in to life and everything is so calm and stable in comparison to where I was a year or two ago.

I'm positive that there are hundreds of people who would kill to be on this plateau.

Yet, I'm finding that I am a little restless. Not to be confused with feeling stuck or bored with where you are in life, this is something else entirely. I've found a lot of contentment on the plateau in comparision to the uncertainty that was before it. It's kind of nice here. No major turmoil or hardships. In fact, I really like simplicity.

It feels weird to feel restless when you're in a place in life where you have a lot of freedom and do a lot of exciting and meaningful things on a regular basis. And furthermore, I know there is so much ahead. So many milestones we've yet to reach...

The problem with plateaus is that everything around you looks the same. As exciting as it is to have so many possibilities laid out in front of you, you feel a lack of purpose with no mountain in front of you to scale or behind you to rest from. I guess you can only be content with the quiet so long before you are ready to tackle the next thing. It's that "bring in on life" attitude.

Is this good or bad? Is restlessness something we should be fighting? Or is it something that pushes us forward?

I have a tendency to believe that it can be just as damaging as beneficial and I'm trying to learn to balance restlessness to that "just right" amount. You know, that place where you don't settle and you push yourself to impact your world, but you don't use it as an excuse to be selfish or ignore the benefits of discipline.

I guess my restlessness comes from lack of direction. If I knew what we were working towards I could set out in that direction. But instead, we're in this deciding-what-direction-to-take place.

I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads, looking at a map with a million possibilities (all of which are just fine with me), waiting. That's right. I'm a six year old girl shifting her weight from foot to foot and making huffing noises waiting on her dad to tell her where we're going...

Cherishing the Simple Days

There are weeks that feel so overwhelmingly busy you would think I was a soccer mom. Keeping our commitments and obligations during the week is always a challenge after long days at work and we seem to have a lot of them. As of late, John Paul has been working particularly hard, lots of hours, and is dead tired when he gets home. This past week had a lot of "extra" things thrown in. Most of the extra was social and fun, but even so, it can get so busy that even fun things are exhausting can't it? We had some great time with friends we rarely see early in the week, then it was on to getting ready for a house guest for 3 days, filling in for sound at church followed by a bachelorette party, a wedding, family get togethers...Whew! And I even opted out of some outings! Some sleep was definitely missed. Needless to say, by the time Sunday arrived we were ready to relax. 

I love the simple days, but I think they are probably even more appreciated after a long hard week. Reading a book, dozing off on the couch, looking at the weekly post secrets, lunch dates in your pjs, drinking a cup of coffee, listening to the rain... you come to a point where you cherish each tiny pleasure.

In addition to the laziness and rain, we did venture out a bit.

Our Borders is finally taking it's turn closing so I decided I wanted to go comb the isles for deals. It was chaos. Everything was on sale and only loosely organized (no computer system to find things). It was heaven in that every book I've ever wanted seemed to be on sale, and hell in the fact that there was no way I could ever find or afford everything. At one point I had a stack of 20 books and was contemplating whether or not I should go ahead and do my Christmas shopping there since all the DVDs, CDs, toys, and gift sets were also on sale. I ended up walking out with two books, so all in all a pretty successful (and not excessive) trip. We also had a nice lunch date and time with family last night (my Cranium team totally dominated).

But the bulk of the day was spent reading and napping...which was lovely. John Paul even got to hit some golf balls with his brother and dad, a rare event.

Anytime it rains, or I have time to just sit in the quiet alone, I fall into a contemplative state. John Paul's younger siblings are off to college in a week, more friends are getting married and announcing pregnancies, and I find myself constantly thinking about this whole getting older business... All the more reason to enjoy the simple days and the quiet moments.

---Noelle 

Oh and p.s. for those of you keeping me accountable about my August fitness goals---I've lost 10 pounds this month! Seriously, I was shocked, but I guess those small changes really did make a difference. It's pretty exciting motivation to set some bigger goals next month. :)

Difficult Love

Love is probably the most common subject matter for songs, movies and books. It resonates as a universal experience. Love is something that the majority of people seem to approve of, want, and encourage. The Beatles proclaimed it was all we need. Gandhi said that love wrestled with the world because it is incompatible with fear and violence. Oh yeah, and Jesus told us that we have to love our enemies. (Yeah that's right, I just referenced The Beatles, Gandhi and Jesus all in one breath). But...

Loving others is hard.

This statement seems somewhat obvious to me, but I'm not sure the average person on the street would agree with me. After all, it's pretty easy to love your family and friends and to be kind to strangers. And if people treat you badly you can be the bigger man and just ignore them.

In action, however, I think love becomes a lot more difficult and nuanced.

Is it easy for you to show love to people who aren't showing you love in return? 

How do you show love to people you think are complete idiots? 

How do you stay loving towards those who are annoying you to the end of your patience? 

How do you show love to people who are prejudiced and unfair? 

Do you really want to show love to your enemies who hate you and would just assume you suffer? 

Does anyone ever really feel like showing love to people who hurt and abuse others? 

You know, people who don't deserve love.

When it comes down to it, I suspect that none of us truly deserve to be loved. We're so selfish and sinful. Yet we were given love anyway, and are called to extend that love to others. And because of that, I believe that everyone deserves to be shown love. Every life is equally valuable to God. Every person has a unique story worth hearing. Putting the belief and conviction that every single person on the planet deserves my love into action...not. easy.

I've made a point over the last few years to try to become aware of the people I am not showing love. I discovered the people it's natural or easy to love (strangers, friends, family) and eventually began to recognize the types of people I struggle to love. I started a battle with myself, and it's not a battle I always win.

There is more than one area that I have to be very proactive about, but the main area I struggle with personally is loving people who I feel are being unfair towards me. For the sake of transparency, I'll give an example.

A couple of years ago I discovered that a girl I had never met before---hated me. Straight up hated me. Despite the fact that she was more or less a stranger, it hurt me. I couldn't understand how someone could be spiteful and hateful towards someone they'd never even spoken to. What was it about me that she found so offensive? What had I done to her? Even when I did eventually find out "what I'd done" it was nothing I had any control over or did intentionally. I won't lie about it---I was angry. My hurt bubbled into anger that could have easily turned into bitterness or resentfulness. My natural reaction was to want to get others on my side, to agree with me that it was unfair. I wanted reassurance. And I wish I could say that I didn't complain to friends about my "mistreatment", but I did. At some point I recognized the complaining as gossip and was disappointed in myself. I was tearing her down, and even if I thought she deserved it...she didn't. I decided that even if she talked badly about me, even though I wanted to defend myself, that I had to love her. Loving her meant not only that I wouldn't tear her down, but that I would build her up. I started making an effort to only speak kindly of her, to be fair and try to look for the best in her. I prayed for her. And I tried not to pray selfishly but to see her as equally as valuable to God as I was. I prayed for her life, that God would bless her and her relationships. It didn't feel good at first, it was challenging to say the least. But it was the right thing to do and holding onto it would have never brought me peace. (Eventually there was some closure and reconciliation which I'm thankful for, but even if it had never come, it was important to show her love).

I'm happy to have found that in general I'm slow to anger, and that loving others comes easy to me in most areas. I'm also incredibly disappointed in myself having realized that there are certain types of people and situations that it's a battle to love and I've failed in those areas.

Sometimes the difficult thing is recognizing your lack of love in situations that are subtle and less obvious---the insecure coworker who gossips about you, or the passive aggressive neighbor who puts notes on your car.

I guess sharing this story is a reminder to myself to always be proactive about love, and a challenge to others to find out who you struggle to love...and love them anyway.

Guess what? You're a grown up.

Yesterday, my friend Kristen gave birth to an adorable little boy named Levi. (I love the name Levi!). Within the last couple years I've seen at least half of my high school senior class get married. That hasn't phased me much. It should probably feel strange that we're all entering adulthood, but it's kind of exciting to see everyone pairing off.

But now that some of those couples are entering the world of parenthood, this growing older business is really starting to hit home. Kristen is not the first person in our class to have a baby, but she is the first person in our class that I was close friends with to have a baby. I am thrilled for her, and I'm excited about becoming a mother myself, and yet ever since I saw the pictures I feel like I'm in Bizarro World some kind of alternate reality. Are we really here? Are we really bringing in the next generation to the world? 

These are the people I feel like I was sitting in a classroom with yesterday. The people I spent 8 hours of my everyday with speculating about where we'd be in 5 years time. Now, over 6 years later, it doesn't feel like it was that long ago. It's exciting to see where everyones lives have taken them, but it feels so strange...

And now it's our turn to be the adults, to be the parents... Can you believe it?

Growing up and growing older are good things. Some people begin to view getting older as a negative because of physical changes, increased responsibilities, tragedies, or other circumstances, but I challenge you not to let bitterness enter your heart. Our lives were designed to build upon themselves. As we grow, we learn, we become more whole, we experience new things and responsibilities, we survive tragedy and we experience great joys we needed context to understand. We're ever evolving to the point where we sometimes don't recognize our past selves. This journey can be and should be a beautiful one full of growth with an eternal perspective that makes us want to continue forward...

I can't guarantee that I will feel this way every single day as the wrinkles develop and the bills roll in, but I do believe it's true and I refuse to let fear or resentment enter my heart about getting older. I want to embrace each year for the beautiful phase of life that it is, because all stages of life are valuable. It's within our control to get the most out of them.

So here I am, reflecting on getting older and the strangeness of it all and yet still remembering exactly how it felt to be eight years old and day dreaming about who my husband would be and what I'd name my children (Natasha was my name of choice at age eight). I still day dream a lot and even about naming my children (hey me and eight year old Noelle aren't so different). I still feel so young. I am young. Yet as young as I may be, I am pretty close to the age my parents were when they had me and that my friends is such an odd feeling. I might just spend the rest of the day trying to wrap my head around that...

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Congratulations Kristen! You were enviously beautiful and "all baby" throughout your pregnancy and because you are one of the kindest people I know, I am positive you will be a fantastic mother. I can't wait to meet Levi!

Marriage, Cohabitation & Divorce

I'll say it again, I know that more than any other topic I write about marriage most on this blog. It is where I am in life and the journey here was not an accidental uninformed one. I have strong opinions and beliefs about marriage, there's no getting around it.  

I'm often scared that I over do it, but those posts seem to be the most read and responded to. This makes me feel like marriage is something that people, single or married, care about. Like me when I was single, there seems to be a lot of people who want to learn as much about marriage as they can, hear as many experiences as possible, so that they can come to terms with their feelings on the institution.

Even though I'm already married (so the decision has been made), I've never stopped reading the books, the articles, talking to married couples who've been together 60 years or 6 months. I want to never drop the ball on making marriage work, and I want to enrich it as much as I can.

Listening to other couples stories is probably my favorite thing to do, especially with older couples. This past week our young adults group took small groups of girls and guys to various couples houses and just asked questions about their marriages. It was interesting to see how different stories could be and what seemed to cross over as universal.

I recently found out that someone I know is getting divorced. The couple is in their early 20s, they've only been married for two years and they have a son that is under a year old. I've known of others who separated after just two months of marriage. It really breaks my heart and I can't help but feel none of it was necessary. 

As you know, John Paul and I just hit the one year mark. Our recent posts about the first year can be found here and here. We try to be honest about marriage when we talk to other people so that they know the experiences they are hearing about are genuine and real. There was nothing more frustrating to me as a single woman than rehearsed lines or finding out that the good marriage I saw in front of me was an act. I just needed real-gritty-unadulterated honesty. 

I attempt to provide the resources and advice to single and engaged friends that I wish I'd had when I was single or engaged. I try to encourage others about how wonderful marriage can be and I also try to encourage realistic views on marriage.

It seems like I can always find a new article about marriage. We're a generation trying to figure out if marriage works, if it's outdated, if we need to live together first or if that's the last thing we'd want to do.

Not too long ago I wrote this post and included quite a few articles about marriage and what our culture thinks about it. Today I'd like to add a few more articles to the list. I've prefaced before, I know my viewpoint is biased towards Christianity and many of the articles I include are coming from that stance, but I've tried to include secular articles as well because I think it gives a fuller picture of marriage in general and the more informed you are, the better.

- The Divorce Generation - A Wallstreet Journal article about divorce rates, cohabitation, and how it all effects kids.

- When Love Disappoints - Relevant Magazine article about a couple whose first year was an eye-opener.

- What Really Keeps a Marriage Together - Guest post by John Marshall (I'm not sure I agree with this one 100% but it was an interesting read).

Obviously, I'm big on preparing for marriage and working on relationships. We put so much effort and time into everything else in life (like work, school, etc) why would we not work on our marriages? It seems worth it to me.  I feel like a lot of divorce could be avoided if couples were getting married for better reasons then a lot of them seem to be...

But, at the end of the day, I'm reminded of something John Paul said in his guest post on marriage. No matter how much you prepare, you'll never be ready. Prepare, but never assume you know it all. Because you don't. It will be different for each and every person. That doesn't mean it's not worth it.

And yes, I'm still glad that I got married.

Marriage & Friendships

So this isn't a post about the importance of being friends with your spouse (though I did read an article on that subject today). Rather, it's about how important or unimportant it is to have friends outside of your marriage.

I'm going to go ahead and start off by admitting that I don't really know the answer. I'm curious what other married couples think about this.

I've heard people insist that it is crucial. You absolutely need friends and an outlet outside of your marriage to keep it healthy and to keep yourself sane. I do believe that interaction with other people is pretty important. But I believe that to be the case regardless of relationship status. Isolating oneself can lead to a lot of problems. Then again, that's not a universal "truth" either. There are always exceptions to general rules.

On the other hand, you can interact with people and have friends without really having friendships. My mom and dad were in ministry so they really didn't have a lot of close friends outside of each other. Sure they interacted with people regularly, but I don't remember my mom going out with girl friends to movies, or on girls nights. We mostly did things as a family. (And they have a fantastic marriage).

Since being married, I've seen it happen naturally. I'm busier so I want my free time to be spent with my husband. I'm not lonely or alone so I don't feel the need to go out all of the time. I don't even feel lame for watching t.v. on a Friday night.

Don't get me wrong, we have some of the best friends and we hang out with people all the time. I love being around people. For that matter I've found I'm in a much better place when I am taking time to get together with other women and friends for fellowship and encouragement. 

Yet, there are days when I miss having a best friend in town...to meet up with regularly for coffee, to confide in all the things I feel like I'm keeping bottled up (even if I'm sharing them with John Paul), to just feel comfortable with and like there is a mutual closeness there. Part of me wants that, but another part wants to be content without it.

I think everyone has a different opinion on this and I'm not convinced there is a right one. It probably depends a lot on your circumstances, your personality, the couple, etc. At the end of the day you learn to be content with whatever your circumstances are, always keep your relationship with your spouse top priority (over friends) and try not to isolate yourself.

Is that enough?

Design: Nurseries

First of all, thanks for all the feedback on my first official baby post about my fears when it comes to pregnancy/motherhood. (If you missed it, you can read it here). I love that it triggered some great conversations with friends and I'm always surprised and encouraged when I find out who reads my blog.  If nothing else I feel much more normal now. I was surprised by how many of my friends have the baby bug too. :)

I have a fitness post coming soon, as well as that promised post of our one year anniversary photo shoot, but for today I thought I was overdue for a design post. I tend to save pictures of my favorite designs and since I've officially admitted to daydreaming about babies, I thought I'd share some of my favorite nursery designs that I've snatched up and put away for that "someday."

All of these designs are intended to be "gender neutral" nurseries.

I love the owls / outdoor motif. I also really like the wall art's set up and think I may do something similar someday (but with a different theme).

I love this Dr. Suess themed nursery.

The colors, the polka dot wall art, the monogram...love love love.

Homemade flower pom poms are a great inexpensive decor trick that I have every intention of trying someday.

Last but not least, I have always wanted to have a Calvin and Hobbes themed room in my house. I adore Calvin and Hobbies and have plans to do a mural in one of my kids room one day. Of course I won't be able to do this until we buy a house so it may be a little ways in the future. A quick google search will tell you that this idea is not completely original. So far, of all the murals I've come across, this is my favorite:

The Baby Bug

I write very little on here about John Paul and I's plans for children. The reason for that is simply that there are a lot of varying opinions on the subject in my family and it is something I think is better left for personal one on one conversations. John Paul and I are on the same page about starting a family and it's not something that is completely in our control right now, but I think we're doing the things we should be doing at this point. And as far as the when and whys, I'll just leave it at that. You're welcome to talk to me personally about it if you are intrigued.

That being said, this is in fact a post about babies! I've said before that John Paul and I both want kids and are looking forward to parenthood. We will be very excited when I get pregnant (she says ambiguously with no clues as to when that will happen).

People talk often about getting "The Baby Bug." The Baby Bug (also known as Baby Fever) is the infectious desire to have a baby. Sometimes it comes from being around other peoples babies, sometimes it's spontaneous, but whatever the reason you can't knock the delirious feeling of wanting to conceive. The fever hit me hard back in February as I started reading baby and mommy blogs, birth stories, etc. Yes I am admitting to wanting to have a baby. However, that's never been a secret. The "secret" is when I will have a baby, and truth be told, I don't know the answer to that question. But even so, I've been unable to help myself with some daydreaming and light "planning."

Of course, there are also many days when I feel like I'm not ready at all for that stage of life to begin. I am very aware of the realities that come with motherhood. I know that this time of being married without kids is precious. Becoming parents will change everything. We won't be able to be involved in and do as many things, we'll be tighter financially, our dynamic with each other will change and our relationships with others will change. I always find myself torn between excitement and wariness when it comes to entering the world of parenthood.

Over the last year, I've realized that I have some fears about becoming a mother. There are definitely children in our future, but I thought for today I would share my fears. I think they're good and healthy in a lot of ways. I should clarify, they aren't things that will keep us from having kids. They are just things that I've found I think about often. To be honest I'm kind of looking for some kind of validation or encouragement that my fears are normal and okay.

So here are five fears I have about having a baby...

1. Timing

I want to be able to have conversations with my family and friends about my feelings on having kids. I want their feedback and perspective, I really do. I feel like I have been keeping those feelings bottled up out of an anxiety that no matter what sorts of decisions we make, we will never be able to please everyone. It's not really that I feel we have to please everyone. At the end of the day, this is between us and God. It's just that I love every member of my family so much I can't stand the thought of being looked down upon. Now, this fear isn't entirely fair. I know that our families love us and respect our decisions. I also know that they will all be incredibly supportive and excited whenever we get pregnant. But I do care about their opinions and I know there is no timing that will make everyone happy.

2. New York

Okay, I know it sounds silly but I'm referring to my unfamiliarity with my new state. I have very specific desires for the birth and care of my child and a strong feeling that I will have to fight for those desires. I knew how things worked in NC legally, the best places to have a baby, the doctors that wouldn't hassle me about my decisions. But here, I'm clueless. I've been trying to do some research to ease my fears and make me feel more prepared for when that day comes, but so far it's been pretty difficult to navigate. I really just don't want to have to fight with my doctor or explain the same things over and over. I wish so much my mom was here to help me (or rather that I was in a state my mom knew the ins and outs of), but at this point it seems far more likely for me to have my first child in NY.

3. The Impact on my Body

This is much more than being worried about weight gain. My body is absolutely not ready for pregnancy right now. I'm very out of shape and exhausted all the time. I think if I got pregnant right now, it would take its toll on my health. If I have no energy now, I can't imagine being pregnant and then trying to care for a newborn after having just given birth. I really want to get my body ready for motherhood so that I can be the best mom I can be, and have energy for it. I know I'm not there yet.

4. Attachment

You know when people say they don't want to have kids because they don't want to bring them into such a bad world? I totally get that. I still want to have kids, but I get it. When I think about how emotionally invested I am in my family, and how much it hurts when they make poor decisions that I can't control, I think of how much more I will care about my children. I will do my best to raise them well, but at the end of the day they will be their own person and make their own decisions. I won't have any control and that is terrifying when I know I will love them more than I've ever loved anyone.

5. Separation

John Paul and I are in a phase of social flexibility. We have both married friends and single friends, but none of our closest friends have kids. I do have friends with kids, but not in town and not in my circle of friends that I interact with regularly. I guess a lot of days I'm impatient for everyone else to catch up. If our best friends aren't even married yet and we're already thinking kids, won't that separate us even further?

Of course I can't rush anyone, and I wouldn't want to. They need to let their lives unfold in its natural timing and enjoy each stage as it comes. It would also be ridiculous to base when we had kids on anyone else around us. We can't sit around waiting for everyone else to catch up when that could be years and years and has nothing to do with us. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of moving into a new phase of life, but I guess I don't want to leave anyone behind by entering it. I'll probably make new friends that are moms, but I can't knock the sinking feeling that motherhood will separate me from the close friends in my life right now. Maybe that won't happen. Maybe it won't matter as much to me as I think it will. How can I even know?

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Well, there you have it. These are the kinds of things that are on my mind lately. Maybe next time I'm brave enough to blog about having a baby I will write about the five things I'm most looking forward to! :)

Alright, I'm going to hit publish before I change my mind about this post...ready set go...

Anniversary Weekend

(1. The Original Pancake House 2. French Toast 3. H&M Shopping 4. Blue Monk on Elm for dinner)

We celebrated our anniversary last weekend. We decided to stay in town but do lots of fun "Buffalo" things. We started the day with a local favorite for breakfast (the food was great, who knew you could have an entire section of a menu dedicated to crapes?). Then we went on a shopping spree to the brand new H&M (and Forever 21). Then we went to the Taste of Buffalo (yum) where we met up with our friend Lauren who did a one year anniversary photo shoot (post coming soon!). After the taste we were suppose to go to the Screening Room for a movie (awesome local cafe/theatre) but instead ended up at Blue Monk for dinner with some friends and out to coffee afterwards. When we got home we exchanged  gifts. Mine...were awesome!

I received these books :)

A Letter from My Niece

Yeah, that's right. We're the bets Aunt and Uncle erer!

Hello July

(This is a picture from high school of me and one of my favorite people, Meryl. She lives in Colorado now, but by a small miracle I get to see her tomorrow! which will kick off a July full of special visits.)

I honestly can't believe it is July. This summer is turning out to be a crazy busy one. It's a good thing there are 5 complete weekends in this particular July. John Paul and I look forward to multiple visits from friends and family as well as our one year anniversary. As everything unfolds, I will undoubtedly be sharing and documenting. 

July started with fireworks and tomorrow I get to spend some time with one of my favorite people whom  I rarely get to see: Meryl!

This weekend is our anniversary celebration. There is a mini photo shoot planned along with some local exploration. But most excitingly...there will be a guest post from a very attractive man...

But all in good time.

For today, I will just leave you with my current "to read" list.

My book shelf has a sizable stack of unread books both fiction and non, so I've ordered myself to not purchase anything new until I make some progress. However, there are three books that I am anxious to get my hands on as soon as possible. Erasing Hell by Francis Chan to add to the conversation that has dominated Christian circles this year, This is a Book by Demetri Martin because Demetri and I get along swimmingly when it comes to humor, and Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll because it is a classic that I have never taken the time to read as of yet.

Until then...I will continue reading the books from my previous reading list and enjoy a month full of love and time shared.

Happy July Everyone

The Art of Gift Giving

Have you ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman?

It's a good read. It talks about all the different "languages" or ways that we give and receive love. Often you show love to others in the way you want to receive love. The five are:

Physical Touch

Quality Time

Words of Affirmation

Acts of Service

Gifts

Nothing is universal but I think it's a good resource for marriage and even parenting because it helps you understand your partner or kids better. It helps you understand how they understand love and better ways to show them love.

I remember a time when my dad cleaned our house for my mom, and she didn't really notice, and he was upset because he was trying to be thoughtful and show her love by doing something nice for her. But that wasn't my moms love language, it was my dads. Eventually she realized that when my dad served her like this, he was trying to show her his love, and she could appreciate that. They also started to learn how to put effort into showing love in the way that meant the most to the other.

Honestly though, I think most people like all of the love languages in the right setting. We just tend to have a dominant one.

My love language is gifts. I hate telling people that because everyone thinks that gifts is the selfish, materialistic one. "Gift people" just want stuff and you have to spend lots of money on them. This couldn't be further from the truth for me.

I think anyone whose gotten to know me figures out that gifts are my love language pretty early on. I love to give gifts. I want time to put thought into them, personalize them. I want to know you well enough to get you something you will love or something that will mean something to you.

As far as receiving gifts, expense has nothing to do with it. I love letters and cards. I would cherish a leaf or a rock if it had sentiment and a good story behind it.  I love flowers. I love sharing meals. I love homemade things, books, trinkets found in thrift stores and at yard sales. But you have to really know a person before you can find things that remind you of them, or you know they'd love.

I'm going to use Margaret from Nightingale Handmade as an example. She recently posted about decorating her screened-in porch noting all the different elements that for the most part were thrifted or gifted. Her dad picked up crates off the side of the road because he knew she would love them and she did! She used them as side tables and they look pretty awesome. I love that. He saw something, thought of her, and took the time to pick them up. No currency was involved yet it was a great gift!

It seems like most people hate giving gifts. How do you know what to get someone? So much pressure! And even more so when you know that person is a "gift person." I sometimes wish I could just made a list of all the things I love for people who have no clue what gift to get me, but I never will. As much as I love giving and receiving I never want to be the person who wants "stuff." That's just not me. I don't really care if I get anything at all for my birthday. I don't want to be hurt when I don't receive a gift...because at the end of the day...it's not really important. Love is shown in so many ways, and time spent together is more precious. And to be honest, having gifts come only rarely makes them that much more treasured.

Gift giving...it's kind of an art, isn't it?

Finding Peace in the Challenge

There is a tension inside my heart.

I am very concerned with personal and spiritual growth. I am also a huge advocate of education and having well developed thoughts. Throw into the mix a love of the arts and a desire to understand other faiths and viewpoints and well...lets just say I do a lot of reading. I can't separate myself from the world and it's issues, nor do I think that would be the right thing to do.

But more days than not, I just find it all exhausting. I dream about an isolated little safe place away from all the problems and issues of the world and culture. I don't want to think about important things or try to put into action my convictions. I just want to escape...

Perhaps it's because I'm getting older. Each passing year I feel the burden getting a little bit heavier. You know, the burden of friends and family who you care deeply about and just want to see them "get it together," the burden of trying to sort out all the most important issues facing culture and still keep your integrity intact, the burden of holding onto beliefs and opinions in a climate where you will never be able to please everyone, the burden of knowing you can't fix the world but you have to live in it positively and effect it anyway. That burden. I find it nearly impossible to be completely carefree even on the good days.

Yet isn't that the tension? We wouldn't want to be totally isolated, we want to make a difference. But at the same time, we long for something more simple. A hard days work, a loving family, reading on your porch with a cup of coffee taking in the summer air. Those moments.

Both are good. So the challenge is to balance the two. Find the simple joys in the simple moments. Get rid of the excess in your life whether it be "stuff" or "drama". But always grow, engage, and impact your world.

I know, easier said than done. That's why it's called a challenge and one that I've embraced. And when the challenge seems overwhelming, I remember that I can find peace in any circumstance...peace beyond my own understanding....

Tiny Techies

My nephew got an ipod touch for mastering potty training recently. He's 5. When I tell others this story, I get a lot of reactions...most of which are negative. "Ugh that's ridiculous, he's 5" or something else about spoiling or being too young, and so on.

I think that I'd usually be inclined to agree because I strongly believe in simplicity. Playing outside, being a kid, not having kids that get bored with the simple things. I'd be inclined to agree except for the fact that in this case I don't agree.

We got a computer when I was in elementary school. I had an e-mail address, AIM and knew basic html when I was 9. It feels strange that my 9 year old niece chats with me everyday on gmail chat, yet in reality she's the same age I was when I had that mastered.

Times are a changing. Technology moves quickly and kids are exposed to it younger and younger. Kids know how to use cell phones, they know how to use digital cameras, they know how to get on the internet. There are apps specifically made for kids on our ipads, ipods, etc. for education and entertainment to be used at home, in the car, and in the grocery stores. It means parents have more responsibility for monitoring what kids are exposed to but lets be honest, being able to Skype with my nieces is awesome and ipads and portable dvd players are a life saver on long road trips. It was kind of inevitable wasn't it? If I had internet at 9 then surely the access my kids will have to technology will be far greater.

I guess the question is whether or not technology is having a positive impact or a negative one.

I imagine it's a little bit of both. I don't advocate spoiling your kids, spending in excess, or having kids addicted to technology; but learning how to record music, edit video and build websites aren't bad skills to acquire in our technology driven culture either.

My nephew for instance...  

His parents have iphones, ipods, computers...his exposure of almost unavoidable. In the time he's been allowed to play with his dad's phone, he has mastered every game, which frankly is pretty impressive for a 5 year old.

He was having issues with potty training...he just would not give up diapers. It was a stubborn rebellious thing. My brother had an ipod touch that no one was using since they both had iphones, so when he finally mastered the potty, his reward was the ipod touch being deemed his. I'm pretty sure he played with it a lot anyway, but now he could claim ownership.

I don't really see an issue with this. He's 5, yes. But he's 5 in a world where 5 year olds know more than their grandparents about computers. They didn't go out and spend a couple hundred dollars on the kid as a reward, they just let him feel like something he already used was his. And why not?

I guess it's all debatable, and I have no idea how John Paul and I will handle technology with our kids. But my point is only this: Can we really judge how other parents treat technology based on our own childhood experiences when the world is so different from the one we grew up in?

Love Of My Life

Well, I think it's time to write a post about my husband. :)

He's super cute isn't he? Hehe.

We're approaching our one year anniversary and I am becoming more and more thankful for him everyday. He really is wonderful. I was thinking yesterday that I really could not have prayed for a more than what I have right now. I'm so content. I love being married, and I love this man with all my heart. 

I hope that's encouraging to others who believe in marriage as much as I do. Granted, it's very real and at times difficult and most people probably jump into marriage unprepared...but if you follow God in everything and prepare your heart, marriage is such a beautiful thing. And this is coming from a recovering cynic...

I realized recently that there were other men I could have married who are good men, but not the right one. I am so thankful I didn't try to force something with anyone else. I mean, I can act so strange sometimes. John Paul gets my weirdness, and his weirdness is compatible with my weirdness. Sometimes I notice how bizarre some of our interactions would be to other people and thank the Lord I married the right man. Don't get me wrong, we're both incredibly cool ;)...but everyone is so unique and "weird" in their own way. Sometimes it's more than just finding a good man...you have to find the one thats good for you. 

You can read more about this wonderful man here.

I know I write about marriage a lot. Maybe too much... but I hope it encourages those of you who are losing your faith in it... or just need a reminder that it's totally worth it. I'll say it...

It is totally worth it.

Marriage & Adulthood

(Left is my parents wedding photo and Right is John Paul's parents wedding photo. They were married around the same time (notice they both are sporting hats as was the style that year) and are both still married today 32 years later. We're very lucky to have such good examples for long-lasting marriages.)

I think our culture is losing it's faith in marriage. That makes the discussion of marriage relevant regardless of your faith or background, though my perspective is admittedly biased towards Christianity. But I think the questions of whether or not marriage works, if it's necessary, and if it benefits us is something everyone is going to have to make conclusions on at some point in their life. I struggled with many questions about marriage over the years. I've seen marriages deteriorate, crumble, and I've seen them succeed. And I know it is not simple or easy. But I believe in marriage. I believe in it, I chose it, and I believe I'll be a better person because of it.

Though opinions on marriage vary and people are obviously still getting married, I run into more and more people who see it as a trap. Rather than rant about this, I want to share a couple articles that I really liked and agreed with for the most part. One of them is a Christian writer and the other isn't. But I think the perspectives are increasingly rare.

"Hollywood's Confusing Portrayal of Marriage"

(Relevant Magazine Article)

"Til Whatever Do Us Part"

(Elle Magazine Article)

Marriage is associated with growing up and adulthood. It's one of the big independent steps. And the expected timeframe for marrage is getting pushed back later and later. Where my grandmothers were married at ages 15 and 19, I got shocked responses for getting married at 3 months shy of 23 years old despite the fact that I was already graduated from college and living on my own. (And hey, maybe most 23 year olds aren't ready and these people just assumed I didn't really know what marriage is all about). But this was just a small example of how our attitude about being adults, about marriage and responsibility in general also seem to be changing. So in the spirit of that topic, here are two more articles that I found relevant about adulthood.

"Just Grow Up"

(Relevant Magazine Article)

"It's Not About You"

(NY Times Article)

My intention in sharing these articles is simply to spure thought and conversation about things I think are important. Most of my readers are close to my age in various stages of life and we're trying to figure out how our generation fits into this whole adulthood thing. A lot of these articles address some of the lies or rhetoric we're getting...because how much better could we be embracing adulthood if we had some truthful preparation and a push to overcome our fears?