First Kisses and Tumblr

I broke down and got Tumblr. I've been avoiding it because I'm starting to feel like a social media slut, but I wanted to follow a couple friends who don't blog so I joined. Of course I can't just not use it so I've been posting here and there. My most recent post was a poem that I stumbled upon. It made me smile so I thought I'd share...

"Location, Location, Location" 

By: Gabriel Gadfly

I could have kissed you

under cherry blossoms,

pale petals drifting down

like the trees wanted to

pretend they could be

snowclouds.

I could have kissed you

in the rain, drenched to

our bones and not even

caring that the skies

opened up above us

and tried to wash us out.

I could have kissed you

in a clearing in the most

secluded woods, with

just the sound of wind

rustling through the leaves

and a few voyeuristic

finches peeping at us.

Instead, I kissed you

in the parking lot of a

Waffle House, just shy

of 2 a.m. in the middle

of a hectic week, with

our waitress grinning

at us from the other

side of the window,

because, honestly,

how could I not?

First kisses are a funny thing. They only happen once in your relationship. They're shrouded in mystery and anticipation. Boys seem nervous about getting it right, and girls are nervous about it being everything they thought it would be. I think that's why I liked this poem. It's so real isn't it? It's rarely a page out of a romance novel, but this was more beautiful to me then the violins and roses.

Cultivating.

Three days until moving day.

The McLaughlin family is in a whirlwind right now. Three big moves coming up. We move to our new apartment this week. John Paul's parents just bought a house and move in a month. And John Paul's older brother is moving his family back to the area from Connecticut shortly after that. Give us a truck and a snappy slogan and we could start a moving company.

I'm excited about the new apartment which is a definite upgrade from our current one (and much closer to our workplaces), but I'm afraid that we're going to fall into a move-once-a-year-cycle. I don't feel settled. This apartment fixes our current issues, but doesn't feel like we have room to grow. It works for us as a couple, but I can't see it working out once we start a family which means there is an inevitable move at some point in the next couple years. I'm not a huge fan of moving. I probably won't feel like a place is my own until we buy a house and feel a bit of permanence. But I have no idea where we'll be in a year, five years, ten years. We might not even be in Buffalo. Who knows?

I decided our new place needs plants. I want something alive in the house. I love being outside, and New York summers are the absolute best kind of summer. But in the winter, it'd be nice to have some of nature inside to keep things cheerful. The grand project I have in mind for this spring is to have a window box and plant flowers. I know very little about gardening so this may be an utter failure, but here's hoping I have a green thumb. There is something about working in nature that connects you with God and gives you a strong sense of accomplishment. 

I may be at risk of using a very cheesy gardening metaphor here, but the idea of cultivating has been on my mind so much lately.

Cultivating is the process of breaking up the soil in preparation for planting. This past year, I feel like God has been breaking up a lot of things in my heart and life. Being broken up is sometimes a little painful. I've felt lost, lonely, and unsure about where I'm suppose to be and what I'm suppose to be doing. It has been a year full of joy, frustrations and transitions. I'm so thankful for John Paul and the gift of marriage---I've never been alone. 

This time last year, almost exactly, I was engaged with no job prospects and no idea where I'd be going after graduation. It was terrifying and it all came together within a matter of a week. I had a job, I moved into my first apartment alone, I got married and change and transition were abundant. We started trying to figure out where we fit in in Buffalo and the process has seemed to drag out all year with small answers here and there but never the full picture.

I want so badly to cultivate stronger relationships with friends, to grow as a person and open myself up to whatever God wants for my life. To be honest, I've been thinking through a lot of things this past year. Things like what direction I should be heading in when it comes to ministry, personal growth, relationships, location, and starting a family. Maybe things are being planted that will grow into their fullness later, but after a year of cultivating and wondering, I'm hopeful that more answers are just around the corner. After all, growth is inevitable after cultivation.

Reading Someone Else's Book

I have a tendency to underline when reading books. Well, I should say when reading philosophy, theology or other non-fiction. Although, I do occasionally underline in fiction as well if I find a quote I particularly like.

This is my method (and a very common method) of finding the things that stuck out to me without having to search or reread the book when I'm looking back at it.

Have you ever read someone else's book? One that's already been highlighted and underlined...creased and worn. In college this was occasionally handy if the person who had the textbook before you happened to be a very good at picking out the important information. More often than not it was more distracting and annoying, especially when you get those "excessive highlighters" who insist of highlighting entire pages.

But when you borrow a book of substance from someone you know personally, it can be a really interesting experience.

I am currently having this experience with a book that I borrowed from a family member. You learn a lot about someone when you see what parts of a book stuck out most to them and what they identified with or were convicted by in the pages. You may find out what you have in common, or what makes you different.

I'm somewhat of a book collector (meaning I usually purchase) so I've only had this experience one other time, and that was with my husband...back when we were dating. We happened to accidentally start reading the same book simultaneously during a time when we weren't in contact. We later went through and read each others books/notes and got a picture of what the other was going through and learning during that time. It was a wonderful gift.

I guess all of that to say...

I hope you get the chance to experience reading someone else's book.

Marriage, Babies, and other "Big Girl" Stuff

I regularly read a blog by a friend of mine's wife about her experiences with motherhood. She's a young mom. And I love her honesty. It's not an ultra-positive-motherhood-is-the-best-thing-that-ever happened-to-me kind of blog. It's not a negative-depressing-being-a-mom-sucks blog either. It's just honest. Honest about the struggle against selfishness that you must engage when you become a parent. Honest about how being pregnant does weird things to your body that aren't always pleasant or "glowing." Honest about how much she loves her kids. Honest about how terrifying it is was when she thought she was going to lose one of them. Parenting isn't always pretty. In fact, regardless of what Barnes and Nobles tells you, it cannot be covered in 300 page book on the subject. But I believe it is a wonderful thing.

The reason parenthood is on my mind is simply because it's a phase a lot of my friends and family are starting to enter. It's probably one of my next phases as well so naturally I am going to think about what it will be like to be a mom, when I might become one, and about babies in general.

There are lots of beliefs and opinions about when you should have babies, how many you should have, how you should raise them, etc. But I have no intention of addressing any of that here. Instead, let me share with you where my heart and mind have been lately.

I've been thinking about the phases we go through in life. The phase I'm in currently is that of being married but not a mother. I'm a wife. I feel oddly smashed between two phases of life: being single and being a parent. This phase tends to be short in the grand scheme of your entire life, but here I am.

A lot of my friends are getting married, but I'd say the majority are either still single, or parents. And I'm neither. But to be honest, socially, being married really isn't that much different from life before marriage. Sure there are differences in your actual relationship, but socially there's still a lot of freedom in marriage before you have kids. You can hang out with your friends on a whim. You can can go out when you don't feel like cooking. You can go away for entire weekends without telling a single person.

I don't want to say "I'm not ready for a baby" because that implies that if I were to find out I'm pregnant today, I'd panic or be upset. And that's simply not the case. I also don't want to say "I don't want a baby right now" because that is also not true. Honestly, most days I do. I have always looked forward to motherhood. I know there will be sacrifices and less freedom. I know that there will be joy, laughter, pain, worry, irritation and a difficult journey towards selflessness---one of those journeys where you never actually arrive at your destination, but mostly just visit. But what I don't know is when that phase of my life will start. I honestly have no idea.

But I think it's a pretty safe bet that if I live a long life, I'll probably be a mother for the majority of it.

And I want to appreciate each phase of life as it comes...every phase is different and unique. Every phase has its disappoints and struggles. Every phase has its perks and disadvantages, its highs and its lows. Every phase is the gift of life in a different packaging.

Marriage, like parenting, requires a lot of education in being selfless...but being a parent changes your life entirely. Well, it should. I believe it changes in a good way, but it is a big change none the less. One I look forward too. But since I don't know when that phase of my life will begin...I want to enjoy all the wonderful things about where I am now. The freedom. The flexibility. The extra investment and energy I can put into relationships around me. Naked Saturdays....just kidding. ;)

Every moment can be wonderful. And right now...certainly is.

You can say that I'm a dreamer...

I dream a lot. I mean literally--at night, in my sleep--I have the most intense, long, epic, detailed, and ridiculous dreams ever. People morph into other people, places turn into other places, but there is always some kind of sense to it all...until I try to explain it later.

I've been this way since childhood, and I'm pretty sure my friends in elementary school were positive I embellished and made up most of my dreams. And I probably did add a few embellishments about Justin Timberlake or Jake Epstein at some point. But Rachel, I sware, I did not make up that one about the dragon with curly clown hair in the suitcase at the airport.

My dreams are not necessarily based on what I thought about or watched before I went to bed. But they do often include elements of things I've watched or read, and usually include people I actually know. They try to sort through the chaos and sometimes solve inner conflicts...but in the most random ways. The people that pop up in my dreams are sometimes people I haven't seen in years, maybe since elementary school or people I barely knew in passing. I've met others who dream, but I've never talked to anyone who dreams in quite the same way as I do...(This is an open invitation to tell me if you can relate).

John Paul is actually kind of jealous of me because he can never remember his dreams. As I sit there trying to explain that in my dream my dad was Zeus and I was a demigod but he was mortal so we weren't allowed to be together and for whatever reason we had to fight off about 30 zombies to escape...he just shakes his head. I once had what I thought was a very deep and creative dream about what the afterlife is like only to wake up and realize is was just a variation on The Great Divorce.

To be honest, I like to dream...I occasionally don't want to wake up because I'm so involved in them. But sometimes it can be draining. For instance, my work load has been crazy busy the last couple weeks and I've found myself dreaming about work and doing work in my sleep in a non-logical way. I wake up absolutely stressed out because I was in the middle of doing something that now I think needs to be done immediately and hasn't even been started! Or, I dream about John Paul dying or fighting with me and wake up upset for no tangible reason. I've gotten used to this so it doesn't have any lasting effect on my emotions, but I do sometimes wake up and have to shake myself out of something that wasn't real but very much felt so.

What I hate the most though, is when I dream about people in my past that I miss or need to resolve something with. There is nothing more frustrating than waking up after spending time and reestablishing a solid friendship with someone you miss and were once close too only to realize that they have no idea.

This, in particular, seems to happen quite often. So if you're reading this...there is a good chance that I miss you or would like to know you better. Do you feel the same?

Loverly Loverly Spring

Current location: Buffalo, N.Y.

Less than a year ago, I became an official New York resident. This is my city. Buffalo, N.Y.

No, not New York City, as most people assume when I say I live in New York. NYC is at least 6 hours away and an entire different world. No, Buffalo is on Lake Erie, just below Niagara Falls.

I think most people assume I've been displaced. A southern girl stranded in the snowy tundra that is Western New York when the sane people are moving to warmer places. And honestly, I never thought I'd leave North Carolina. But naturally, every city and town has it's own signature charm and local treasures. Buffalo feels like home in so many ways.

There are a lot of things and people I've grown to love here. There are a lot of things and people I miss.

But one of my favorite things about New York is just around the corner...

SPRING

Every year, as spring slowly approaches, I find myself noticing how special spring is in New York. There's just something about it. There's a kindred spirit among your community...waiting...anticipating. You almost can't appreciate the spring in quite the same way, with the same intensity, when you don't have to wait through a cold snowy winter. You get used to the cold, and even appreciate the snow. But in NY you won't see the grass for 3-4 months. You won't get those occasional spring days in the middle of January and February. But then it happens... and suddenly EVERYONE is outside. There's this shared joy and celebration. People are outside, throwing frisbees, walking their dogs, talking to their neighbors, admiring the life that is emerging all around them...simultaneously.

It's one of the best feelings---a favorite New York feeling of mine that happens every year.

Hi, Again.

I been thinking about the blogs that I enjoy reading. The ones that I always read in their entirety despite length. They seem to be the ones by people who I find interesting or that I am just interested in what is going on in their lives. I am in constant thought, so I have a tendency to write things that are lengthy and heavy---aka "rants." Those posts have triggered good conversations in community settings and I can't say I'll ever stop.

But here I am. In a really new place in life and very separate from most of the people I grew to love through the years. I just want to write about where I am in life...my day to day, my feelings, my new experiences. Maybe some of my invisible friends from long ago are silently reading and feeling some small connection to me still, interested in my life as it is now. Maybe some invisible stranger is reading and connecting to someone they hardly know. I've feel both of those things often.

So, hi again.