Feelings & Treasure

I was reading this article about balancing your emotions (knodding my head here and there) when I ran across this line:

"Feelings matter. Our feelings testify to what we truly treasure."

I've spent much of my life battling emotions, but at the end of the day I've always known that they are important. In an impulsive, emotionally driven culture where whatever feels right is right, we can't let our emotions rule our lives. When you don't reign them in with common sense and a little wisdom you end up with a reality tv show on MTV.

Yet emotions are good. They are what make us distinctly human. They can drive us to do good, to show compassion, to feel guilt when we do something wrong, or to love another person above ourselves. And they do testify to what we truly treasure.

If a husband were to tell his wife that he couldn't afford to buy her a gift for her birthday, but then went out the same day and bought something for himself---that would likely leave his wife feeling devalued. It is not about whether or not he has the money, but rather the action of using it for something else he values more.

If you can't afford to tithe or give your money to a charity, but spend money on things like new clothes or  entertainment, then it's not really a matter of financial means. It is a reflection of where your priorities lie and the fact that you don't value giving as highly as looking nice or not being bored. Any type of giving requires some form of sacrifice whether that be money, time, or whatever.

We often trick ourselves into thinking differently...but it is our feelings that ultimately testify to what we treasure.

When you commit to loving someone else above yourself in marriage, you commit to valuing them above yourself even when you do not feel like it. It's a commitment to stand by them even when you don't feel the emotions. But that doesn't mean that your marriage (or any relationship) is meant to be void of emotions.

The lines right before the quote I chose from this article read this way:

"'When I first learned that my heart had the capacity for evil, my response was to despise feelings. I didn't want anything to do with emotions. I would 'obey, no matter how I felt.'' But that's impossible. Obedience without feeling is a level of disobedience."

Since this is written from a Christian perspective, it is basically saying that God doesn't want resentful obedience or even indifferent obedience. Think of a parent asking their child to obey them. If they are obeying in action, but emotionally defiant, it might as well be disobedience. They want their child to trust their advice, or obey simply because they love their parents, but you cannot make a child feel those things. It's the child who has to decide what their attitude will be and whatever choice is made, will have an effect on their feelings towards their parents and consequently, the relationship they have with their parents. (And vice versa in a parents attitude towards their children).

This can be said for any kind of human relationship. Who wants to spend time with a friend who gives you no attention and consistently looks at their watch just dying to get away to something more important? Who really enjoys receiving a gift from someone who makes it clear they didn't want to buy it for you? When was the last time a friend said to you "I don't really like you I'm just going to be your friend because I think it's the right thing to do" and you thought..."Awesome, that's exactly the sort of friendship I'm looking for!"

As much as the effort may be important, it's not the same without the genuine emotion. And as the emotional beings we are, we can usually tell when the emotions aren't there.

I think the same applies to marriage and that is where it gets tricky. Tricky, because the marriage relationship is one of the most unique. Whereas friendships are easily ended and family is permanent whether you like it or not, marriage is somewhere in the middle of family and friendship. It's often said you cannot make yourself feel something (like attraction or love) and that is true in many ways. But what about when you go into a marriage with the emotions and they dissipate? A marriage without feeling is a wasteland of obligation and pain. Honorable as it may be to stay committed, if you no longer love your spouse it will show and take it's toll on your marriage.

I'm not an advocate for divorce. I truly believe there is almost nothing that cannot be worked through. So my emphasis on feelings here is not to be misconstrued as an excuse to chase them and end your marriage. Rather it's a call to those who have lost the feelings to find them again, and for those who have them to nurture them and never trick yourself into thinking they are unimportant. They are important.

I realize all of the realities my assumptions in this post ignore. In reality we are all flawed and selfish creatures. The idea of loving someone else in a lasting emotional and selfless way seems unrealistic. Nuanced at best. But I think it's something to be strived for...and our attitude about our feelings can change them. If our goal in marriage was to be less selfish and love someone above ourselves...we would strive to look for the best in them, to sacrifice for them, to treasure them. Choosing to pursue the emotions can be a crucial first step to feeling them again.

Yes, the effort has to come from both sides to truly heal or maintain any sort of relationship and there is no guarantee that your efforts will be matched. There is risk involved when you choose to believe it's right even if the other party does not respond. You'd be surprised how often the effort is recognized and appreciated, but it will always start with you, a choice to stop being selfish, and the decision to love them again even if you don't feel it right now.

I guess I feel that the effort to love, the work that must go into maintaining a marriage or saving it, is a crucial beginning towards true feeling. It's when we let ourselves become self absorbed and indifferent that we devalue emotions and our relationships suffer.

So who do you treasure? Or better yet, who should you treasure?

Marriage: Team McAwesome

John Paul and I make a good team. Literally. As in, when we're playing games it's a lot more fun to be on the same team. Last night was our first Christmas party of the season and lets just say we came home with a lot of prizes from games. Maybe it's because neither of us are super competitive? Maybe our cultural knowledge compliments one another? Maybe we secretly have a telepathic link between our minds? (I'm gonna go with the last one because it's the most awesome of the explanations).

I've always looked at marriage as a team of sorts. It's a chance to have a partner to tackle life with. No matter what you're going through, you know there is another person who has your back, can contribute different perspectives, and will encourage you. Maybe it's possible to have that in a friend or any significant other, but there is something about marriage that puts it at an entirely different level. The understood commitment, the intertwining of your everyday lives, it's nearly impossible to live completely separate lives even if you try (not to say that some marriages aren't exactly that...living two separate lives). Maybe that's why divorce can be one of the most painful experiences a person can go through.

It may be a cheesy cliche to compare marriage to teamwork, but I feel like that was one of the most appealing things to me about marriage. It may not be the most important aspect, but it is pretty great.

From a Christian perspective there's also the added element of ministry and ministering together. Some people are called to singleness and there is truth to the idea that you can serve and be less distracted as a single man or woman. Relationships take a lot of investment. You will put a great deal of your time and energy into the relationship. But I think for most, the desire for partnership is nearly inherent. And that's okay. Singleness or marriage, there is no lesser or greater---you just serve how you are called and there are advantages and disadvantages to each. Christian marriage is meant to be a reflection of Christ's relationship with the Church. The partnership of marriage enables you to serve as a team, to cover more needs, and to keep one another both accountable and encouraged. I think that's pretty amazing myself.

So I guess it's little things like Christmas party games that can remind me how much I love being married to John Paul. I'm really thankful he is mine. I know that I am blessed to have a husband I respect and trust. A husband who loves me. I like that we're in this thing together. :)

There's Something in the Water

"And the daily engagement and pregnancy announcements continue... #thelifeofatwentysomething :)"

About a month ago I tweeted the above statement. I didn't mean it as a negative (note the smiley face) but more just as a matter of fact. I am in my mid twenties---the next two decades will be full of announcements. We're adults and these are normal milestones that begin to happen with increasing frequency in adulthood (until it peaks and the trend starts to go the other way). 

Graduations, new jobs, moves to new cities, engagements, weddings, pregnancies, travels...these are big things, exciting things! Yet they seem to be met with a mixture of strong reactions and with more frequency...negativity or annoyance. It's a little disheartening to me. These are milestones meant to be met with joy...so what's the issue?

Here's some of the possibilities I've come up with in my musings:

1. The Constant Barrage of Announcements

People seem grumpy about the amount of announcements. Maybe they're not against your pregnancy specifically, but you are just one more announcement in the sea of estrogen. Maybe it's just annoyance at the general excessiveness. Or maybe, the constant reminder that you are not in that phase.

2. Being in a Different Place in Life

There is a very wide range of reactions when you're not in the same place as others. For all those single people out there seeing the influx of milestone announcements, it can incite a reaction anywhere from jealousy to disdain. If you want those milestones, and don't feel anywhere close to attaining them, seeing the announcements can make you depressed, sad or jealous. It can be hard to be happy for others when you're hurting. On the other end, maybe you don't want those things right now, or ever. It can make you feel outcast, weird, or judged to want nothing to do with marriage or parenthood.

3. Lack of True Community

I think what it comes down to is lack of true community, or at least, an excess of superficial community. And yes, as usual, I am picking on Facebook a little bit.

Facebook and other social media sites allow us to stay up to date on the lives of...well everyone we've ever encountered if we really want to and they agree to participate. For example, I've been able to reconnect with people I went to elementary school with. Without Facebook I'd probably have never seen any of them again much less known about their marriages, kids, and divorces. But I do know about those things. Unlike any generation before mine I suddenly know whats going on in each and every one of their lives whether I really know them on a truly personal level or not.

Now obviously, I enjoy the benefits of Facebook and social media even as I am being critical of them. I like knowing whats going on in the lives of friends I don't have the time or ability to keep up with otherwise. It's also enabled me to develop better relationships with acquaintances. But the downside is this barrage of milestone announcements from people we aren't close to anymore or barely knew to begin with. In a way, it is devaluing the announcements for those people making them and the people who really do care about them.

4. Self-centeredness

I'll admit I am excited about reaching my own milestones and I selfishly want my friends and families to be as excited as I am about them as they come. 

Everyone has insecurities, and most people care what others think on some level. So whether we are being annoyed at the barrage or are feeling hurt by friends we expected to share our joy...we're all pretty focused on ourselves and how all these milestones make us feel.

I guess my challenge is this: Regardless of which side you fall on...try to consider the other person. Whether that means being understanding of the friends who are reacting unpleasantly or choosing to celebrate the joys of others even if they cause you pain or just plain annoy you. Part of building real community is the willingness to invest in others.

So here's to milestones: marriages, babies, or lack there of...we're all celebrating life together.

John Paul's Birthday

Today we celebrated John Paul's 25th Birthday. We decided not to do anything big this year so I got him a small gift and baked him a cake. We also went to dinner with his family...and some friends he didn't know were coming until he got there (including some out-of-town-ers). It ended up being a little bigger than he expected, what can I say? I have a hard time doing a birthday with out some kind of surprise.

With the help of my friends Michelle and Lauren, we make this super fun cake:

John Paul is a truly wonderful man and I am so happy I married him. I consider this a pretty important birthday. If the first 25 years were spent growing up into the man he is today, the next 25 will be the prime time to accomplish all his dreams in life and I intend to be apart of every single one of them. :)

I never seem to stop learning things about my husband (and I hope this is always the case). It wasn't until the past two weeks, for instance, that I learned:

1. He talks in his sleep (or sleep walks? it's somewhere in between those two)
2. He doesn't like fresh mint but does like mint flavor

Then there are those things I already knew but have stayed the same since we got married:

John Paul is a man of integrity. The sort that works hard and is a team player on the job, believes in other people, and always assumes the best out of the everyone he encounters. He brings happiness and laughter wherever he goes and has the most amazing smile. And even when he makes mistakes, he doesn't try to justify them, he just takes responsibility for them.

Yet, even he changes or fails over the years to come---I love him with all my heart and always will. I believe in him and know that failures or mistakes may come, but he will always be my husband, always find his way back to himself and God.

Happy Birthday, my love.

Guess what? You're a grown up.

Yesterday, my friend Kristen gave birth to an adorable little boy named Levi. (I love the name Levi!). Within the last couple years I've seen at least half of my high school senior class get married. That hasn't phased me much. It should probably feel strange that we're all entering adulthood, but it's kind of exciting to see everyone pairing off.

But now that some of those couples are entering the world of parenthood, this growing older business is really starting to hit home. Kristen is not the first person in our class to have a baby, but she is the first person in our class that I was close friends with to have a baby. I am thrilled for her, and I'm excited about becoming a mother myself, and yet ever since I saw the pictures I feel like I'm in Bizarro World some kind of alternate reality. Are we really here? Are we really bringing in the next generation to the world? 

These are the people I feel like I was sitting in a classroom with yesterday. The people I spent 8 hours of my everyday with speculating about where we'd be in 5 years time. Now, over 6 years later, it doesn't feel like it was that long ago. It's exciting to see where everyones lives have taken them, but it feels so strange...

And now it's our turn to be the adults, to be the parents... Can you believe it?

Growing up and growing older are good things. Some people begin to view getting older as a negative because of physical changes, increased responsibilities, tragedies, or other circumstances, but I challenge you not to let bitterness enter your heart. Our lives were designed to build upon themselves. As we grow, we learn, we become more whole, we experience new things and responsibilities, we survive tragedy and we experience great joys we needed context to understand. We're ever evolving to the point where we sometimes don't recognize our past selves. This journey can be and should be a beautiful one full of growth with an eternal perspective that makes us want to continue forward...

I can't guarantee that I will feel this way every single day as the wrinkles develop and the bills roll in, but I do believe it's true and I refuse to let fear or resentment enter my heart about getting older. I want to embrace each year for the beautiful phase of life that it is, because all stages of life are valuable. It's within our control to get the most out of them.

So here I am, reflecting on getting older and the strangeness of it all and yet still remembering exactly how it felt to be eight years old and day dreaming about who my husband would be and what I'd name my children (Natasha was my name of choice at age eight). I still day dream a lot and even about naming my children (hey me and eight year old Noelle aren't so different). I still feel so young. I am young. Yet as young as I may be, I am pretty close to the age my parents were when they had me and that my friends is such an odd feeling. I might just spend the rest of the day trying to wrap my head around that...

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Congratulations Kristen! You were enviously beautiful and "all baby" throughout your pregnancy and because you are one of the kindest people I know, I am positive you will be a fantastic mother. I can't wait to meet Levi!

Marriage, Cohabitation & Divorce

I'll say it again, I know that more than any other topic I write about marriage most on this blog. It is where I am in life and the journey here was not an accidental uninformed one. I have strong opinions and beliefs about marriage, there's no getting around it.  

I'm often scared that I over do it, but those posts seem to be the most read and responded to. This makes me feel like marriage is something that people, single or married, care about. Like me when I was single, there seems to be a lot of people who want to learn as much about marriage as they can, hear as many experiences as possible, so that they can come to terms with their feelings on the institution.

Even though I'm already married (so the decision has been made), I've never stopped reading the books, the articles, talking to married couples who've been together 60 years or 6 months. I want to never drop the ball on making marriage work, and I want to enrich it as much as I can.

Listening to other couples stories is probably my favorite thing to do, especially with older couples. This past week our young adults group took small groups of girls and guys to various couples houses and just asked questions about their marriages. It was interesting to see how different stories could be and what seemed to cross over as universal.

I recently found out that someone I know is getting divorced. The couple is in their early 20s, they've only been married for two years and they have a son that is under a year old. I've known of others who separated after just two months of marriage. It really breaks my heart and I can't help but feel none of it was necessary. 

As you know, John Paul and I just hit the one year mark. Our recent posts about the first year can be found here and here. We try to be honest about marriage when we talk to other people so that they know the experiences they are hearing about are genuine and real. There was nothing more frustrating to me as a single woman than rehearsed lines or finding out that the good marriage I saw in front of me was an act. I just needed real-gritty-unadulterated honesty. 

I attempt to provide the resources and advice to single and engaged friends that I wish I'd had when I was single or engaged. I try to encourage others about how wonderful marriage can be and I also try to encourage realistic views on marriage.

It seems like I can always find a new article about marriage. We're a generation trying to figure out if marriage works, if it's outdated, if we need to live together first or if that's the last thing we'd want to do.

Not too long ago I wrote this post and included quite a few articles about marriage and what our culture thinks about it. Today I'd like to add a few more articles to the list. I've prefaced before, I know my viewpoint is biased towards Christianity and many of the articles I include are coming from that stance, but I've tried to include secular articles as well because I think it gives a fuller picture of marriage in general and the more informed you are, the better.

- The Divorce Generation - A Wallstreet Journal article about divorce rates, cohabitation, and how it all effects kids.

- When Love Disappoints - Relevant Magazine article about a couple whose first year was an eye-opener.

- What Really Keeps a Marriage Together - Guest post by John Marshall (I'm not sure I agree with this one 100% but it was an interesting read).

Obviously, I'm big on preparing for marriage and working on relationships. We put so much effort and time into everything else in life (like work, school, etc) why would we not work on our marriages? It seems worth it to me.  I feel like a lot of divorce could be avoided if couples were getting married for better reasons then a lot of them seem to be...

But, at the end of the day, I'm reminded of something John Paul said in his guest post on marriage. No matter how much you prepare, you'll never be ready. Prepare, but never assume you know it all. Because you don't. It will be different for each and every person. That doesn't mean it's not worth it.

And yes, I'm still glad that I got married.

Marriage & Friendships

So this isn't a post about the importance of being friends with your spouse (though I did read an article on that subject today). Rather, it's about how important or unimportant it is to have friends outside of your marriage.

I'm going to go ahead and start off by admitting that I don't really know the answer. I'm curious what other married couples think about this.

I've heard people insist that it is crucial. You absolutely need friends and an outlet outside of your marriage to keep it healthy and to keep yourself sane. I do believe that interaction with other people is pretty important. But I believe that to be the case regardless of relationship status. Isolating oneself can lead to a lot of problems. Then again, that's not a universal "truth" either. There are always exceptions to general rules.

On the other hand, you can interact with people and have friends without really having friendships. My mom and dad were in ministry so they really didn't have a lot of close friends outside of each other. Sure they interacted with people regularly, but I don't remember my mom going out with girl friends to movies, or on girls nights. We mostly did things as a family. (And they have a fantastic marriage).

Since being married, I've seen it happen naturally. I'm busier so I want my free time to be spent with my husband. I'm not lonely or alone so I don't feel the need to go out all of the time. I don't even feel lame for watching t.v. on a Friday night.

Don't get me wrong, we have some of the best friends and we hang out with people all the time. I love being around people. For that matter I've found I'm in a much better place when I am taking time to get together with other women and friends for fellowship and encouragement. 

Yet, there are days when I miss having a best friend in town...to meet up with regularly for coffee, to confide in all the things I feel like I'm keeping bottled up (even if I'm sharing them with John Paul), to just feel comfortable with and like there is a mutual closeness there. Part of me wants that, but another part wants to be content without it.

I think everyone has a different opinion on this and I'm not convinced there is a right one. It probably depends a lot on your circumstances, your personality, the couple, etc. At the end of the day you learn to be content with whatever your circumstances are, always keep your relationship with your spouse top priority (over friends) and try not to isolate yourself.

Is that enough?

Babies & Musings & Pictures, Oh My!

Well, my 7 and 9 year old nieces are staying with us this week so posts will be few and far between for a few days while we squeeze as much fun into every spare minute that we can! (I imagine I'll have some entertaining video clips from the week to share sometime next week). I have a bunch of drafted unpublished posts, but they're not ready!

I'm working on a post of our photo shoot, I have some marriage articles to share, and I also have a planned "baby post." I've been wanting to write out some of my thoughts and fears about parenthood for awhile, but it's a subject with so many opinions in my family that I'm always nervous to write anything about it. It seems like a topic best left for personal conversations. Yet, I feel like it should be okay for me to gather opinions and encouragement on the subject. This post has been written, deleted, and rewritten half a dozen times over the last 5 months. We'll see if it makes it.

P.s. My nine year old niece, Phoebe, started a blog this week to document her "trips." Coincidence that she had me help her? I think not. :)

Anniversary Weekend

(1. The Original Pancake House 2. French Toast 3. H&M Shopping 4. Blue Monk on Elm for dinner)

We celebrated our anniversary last weekend. We decided to stay in town but do lots of fun "Buffalo" things. We started the day with a local favorite for breakfast (the food was great, who knew you could have an entire section of a menu dedicated to crapes?). Then we went on a shopping spree to the brand new H&M (and Forever 21). Then we went to the Taste of Buffalo (yum) where we met up with our friend Lauren who did a one year anniversary photo shoot (post coming soon!). After the taste we were suppose to go to the Screening Room for a movie (awesome local cafe/theatre) but instead ended up at Blue Monk for dinner with some friends and out to coffee afterwards. When we got home we exchanged  gifts. Mine...were awesome!

I received these books :)

Guest Post: John Paul

Today is our one year anniversary! This milestone is a particularly important one to me since I had a lot of "expectations" for what the first year would look like. You can read my thoughts on the first year of marriage here. Clicking on the "Him" tab above will also give you a pretty good idea of how much I admire and love this man.

But today, I decided to ask my wonderful husband, John Paul, to write a guest post. I love it when husbands and dads guest post and blog. There is just something about getting the guys view that puts things into perspective. I adore this man and I am excited he agreed to do this even though he's not big on blogging. So without further delay...

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Guest Post: John Paul

Well this is actually my first blog post ever. I've never been the writing type to be honest. I've tried to keep journals in the past without any luck and I doubt that I'll ever be good at keeping up with one. However, Noelle asked me to do this special guest post on her blog and I feel like it's appropriate since this has been our first year of marriage and I guess I will be christening our first year with my first blog post. I'm not sure Noelle will ever let me do this again so I will try to get in all I can ;) 

Before Noelle and I were married we talked to so many married couples and had gotten a lot of different opinions about the first year of marriage. Some said it was the hardest while others said they enjoyed "honeymoon-like" conditions for years. The divorce rate is so high and we've known people and heard stories of horrible things happening in the first year, but there's always exceptions and couples who have much better experiences. We've also been told by some that things wouldn't get hard until we had kids (which makes sense to me). Basically, we didn't have any idea what the first year would be like. My best friend's father once told me that getting married is always somewhat of a risk. You can be told by a thousand people what it will be like or won't be like but you'll never really know until you experience it yourself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that marriage is different in it's own way for each couple and even though there are many common issues and pitfalls, you can't base your expectations solely on what other people tell you. Inevitably, your expectations aren't going to be met in some way. And that's not meant to be depressing but simply realistic.

Noelle and I are humans and we both mess up a lot. We fail each other on so many levels and we don't always meet each others expectations. Does that mean marriage isn't worth it? Certainly not! It simply means that marriage is far more than just getting what we always dreamed of or hoped for. I'm not trying to downplay people's dreams and aspirations about marriage but when it comes down to it, selfless love is really all that matters. Marriage will never work if we expect the other to fill some void within us or meet some desired expectation we've had our whole life. Marriage is about selflessly loving your spouse.....no strings attached. Obviously, this is much easier said than done but regardless, that's the truth of it.

During our engagement we had the pleasure of doing some pre-marital counseling with my former youth pastor and we even had a couple at our local church mentor us for a few months. We learned so much about ourselves and each other through this time but I'll never forget what my former youth pastor said about being prepared for marriage. He said we could spend a thousand hours of counseling, being mentored, and even take classes about marriage but in the end it's up to you how your marriage will turn out. I don't want to mitigate the importance of being prepared for marriage (I highly suggest learning from couples who have been married for years and years) but basically what he was trying to say was that all the preparation in the world won't make a difference unless you consciously choose to selflessly love your spouse each and every day. Love is a choice and it's not always gonna be an easy one. Marriage can be amazing but it can also be terrible. It all depends on the choices you make.

For Noelle and I this first year has been awesome! Yes, we have experienced low times. We've disagreed, we've stormed away angry (ok maybe that was just me) and we haven't always been completely honest at times, but I love Noelle more than I ever have before. It's not always that kind of highschool puppy love, but it's more of mature love. Yes, somedays are more romantic than others and feelings are more heavily involved but other days I simply choose to love her even if my feelings aren't there. Of course I'm not perfect so somedays I am selfish and I don't always love her like I should but that's a constant choice I have to make.

As you start living together you seem to develop a dynamic and I think ours is great. We're both pretty laid back so we get along very well and besides the normal stresses of the workplace and money, life is very peaceful in our little apartment. People always ask me if marriage is everything I thought it would be and I can honestly say that it really is. I did my best to stay away from setting any unrealistic expectations and I think Noelle has done the same. I believe that has allowed us to simply love each other and grow together without striving for some unreachable goals. I never thought marriage was gonna be easy and that'd I'd always be happy nor did I think it was going to be miserable all the time. I simply knew that Noelle was the kind of woman I could see me spending the rest of my life with and I love and respect her as a woman of God. I can't wait to see what God has in store for us over the years! I'm sure it will be amazing and I hope to share many more stories of my experiences with Noelle and our marriage as God directs our path. Thank you for reading and God bless!

-John Paul

The Art of Gift Giving

Have you ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman?

It's a good read. It talks about all the different "languages" or ways that we give and receive love. Often you show love to others in the way you want to receive love. The five are:

Physical Touch

Quality Time

Words of Affirmation

Acts of Service

Gifts

Nothing is universal but I think it's a good resource for marriage and even parenting because it helps you understand your partner or kids better. It helps you understand how they understand love and better ways to show them love.

I remember a time when my dad cleaned our house for my mom, and she didn't really notice, and he was upset because he was trying to be thoughtful and show her love by doing something nice for her. But that wasn't my moms love language, it was my dads. Eventually she realized that when my dad served her like this, he was trying to show her his love, and she could appreciate that. They also started to learn how to put effort into showing love in the way that meant the most to the other.

Honestly though, I think most people like all of the love languages in the right setting. We just tend to have a dominant one.

My love language is gifts. I hate telling people that because everyone thinks that gifts is the selfish, materialistic one. "Gift people" just want stuff and you have to spend lots of money on them. This couldn't be further from the truth for me.

I think anyone whose gotten to know me figures out that gifts are my love language pretty early on. I love to give gifts. I want time to put thought into them, personalize them. I want to know you well enough to get you something you will love or something that will mean something to you.

As far as receiving gifts, expense has nothing to do with it. I love letters and cards. I would cherish a leaf or a rock if it had sentiment and a good story behind it.  I love flowers. I love sharing meals. I love homemade things, books, trinkets found in thrift stores and at yard sales. But you have to really know a person before you can find things that remind you of them, or you know they'd love.

I'm going to use Margaret from Nightingale Handmade as an example. She recently posted about decorating her screened-in porch noting all the different elements that for the most part were thrifted or gifted. Her dad picked up crates off the side of the road because he knew she would love them and she did! She used them as side tables and they look pretty awesome. I love that. He saw something, thought of her, and took the time to pick them up. No currency was involved yet it was a great gift!

It seems like most people hate giving gifts. How do you know what to get someone? So much pressure! And even more so when you know that person is a "gift person." I sometimes wish I could just made a list of all the things I love for people who have no clue what gift to get me, but I never will. As much as I love giving and receiving I never want to be the person who wants "stuff." That's just not me. I don't really care if I get anything at all for my birthday. I don't want to be hurt when I don't receive a gift...because at the end of the day...it's not really important. Love is shown in so many ways, and time spent together is more precious. And to be honest, having gifts come only rarely makes them that much more treasured.

Gift giving...it's kind of an art, isn't it?

Love Of My Life

Well, I think it's time to write a post about my husband. :)

He's super cute isn't he? Hehe.

We're approaching our one year anniversary and I am becoming more and more thankful for him everyday. He really is wonderful. I was thinking yesterday that I really could not have prayed for a more than what I have right now. I'm so content. I love being married, and I love this man with all my heart. 

I hope that's encouraging to others who believe in marriage as much as I do. Granted, it's very real and at times difficult and most people probably jump into marriage unprepared...but if you follow God in everything and prepare your heart, marriage is such a beautiful thing. And this is coming from a recovering cynic...

I realized recently that there were other men I could have married who are good men, but not the right one. I am so thankful I didn't try to force something with anyone else. I mean, I can act so strange sometimes. John Paul gets my weirdness, and his weirdness is compatible with my weirdness. Sometimes I notice how bizarre some of our interactions would be to other people and thank the Lord I married the right man. Don't get me wrong, we're both incredibly cool ;)...but everyone is so unique and "weird" in their own way. Sometimes it's more than just finding a good man...you have to find the one thats good for you. 

You can read more about this wonderful man here.

I know I write about marriage a lot. Maybe too much... but I hope it encourages those of you who are losing your faith in it... or just need a reminder that it's totally worth it. I'll say it...

It is totally worth it.

Marriage & Adulthood

(Left is my parents wedding photo and Right is John Paul's parents wedding photo. They were married around the same time (notice they both are sporting hats as was the style that year) and are both still married today 32 years later. We're very lucky to have such good examples for long-lasting marriages.)

I think our culture is losing it's faith in marriage. That makes the discussion of marriage relevant regardless of your faith or background, though my perspective is admittedly biased towards Christianity. But I think the questions of whether or not marriage works, if it's necessary, and if it benefits us is something everyone is going to have to make conclusions on at some point in their life. I struggled with many questions about marriage over the years. I've seen marriages deteriorate, crumble, and I've seen them succeed. And I know it is not simple or easy. But I believe in marriage. I believe in it, I chose it, and I believe I'll be a better person because of it.

Though opinions on marriage vary and people are obviously still getting married, I run into more and more people who see it as a trap. Rather than rant about this, I want to share a couple articles that I really liked and agreed with for the most part. One of them is a Christian writer and the other isn't. But I think the perspectives are increasingly rare.

"Hollywood's Confusing Portrayal of Marriage"

(Relevant Magazine Article)

"Til Whatever Do Us Part"

(Elle Magazine Article)

Marriage is associated with growing up and adulthood. It's one of the big independent steps. And the expected timeframe for marrage is getting pushed back later and later. Where my grandmothers were married at ages 15 and 19, I got shocked responses for getting married at 3 months shy of 23 years old despite the fact that I was already graduated from college and living on my own. (And hey, maybe most 23 year olds aren't ready and these people just assumed I didn't really know what marriage is all about). But this was just a small example of how our attitude about being adults, about marriage and responsibility in general also seem to be changing. So in the spirit of that topic, here are two more articles that I found relevant about adulthood.

"Just Grow Up"

(Relevant Magazine Article)

"It's Not About You"

(NY Times Article)

My intention in sharing these articles is simply to spure thought and conversation about things I think are important. Most of my readers are close to my age in various stages of life and we're trying to figure out how our generation fits into this whole adulthood thing. A lot of these articles address some of the lies or rhetoric we're getting...because how much better could we be embracing adulthood if we had some truthful preparation and a push to overcome our fears?