Road Map: Life Lately

I haven't been writing much lately. My mind has been busy trying to break down all the changes I'm experiencing as of late. They are less tangible that you might think, but they are important none the less. I think John Paul and I are entering a healthy period of transition. Decisions are being made that could drastically change our direction, but I'm thankful that we're finally starting to have some direction.

This time last year we were relatively new to Buffalo. We were newlyweds, we hadn't really settled in, we didn't have friends in the area yet or even as much family in the area as we now have. We were in a tiny apartment with no dishwasher, loud neighbors and a thermostat we had zero control over. We had no idea how much of any of it was temporary.

A lot has changed already. We have friends in Buffalo, we have regular commitments, we've received promotions and raises, and we moved into an apartment that we love. We've settled into Buffalo, yet we're probably more in transition now than ever before. I'm craving stability, and yet part of me knows that the openness of our future keeps me from feeling locked in. <---I don't like acknowledging this because I consider it a negative, but it's the truth.

Honestly, I still feel caught in between all the normal social circles most of the time. The women I've become closest to these past few months are single. The majority of the time I barely notice, but sometimes I feel left out or disconnected. I also can't help but think that their lives (spouses, jobs) could take them anywhere at anytime...away from Buffalo. John Paul and I have also recently become involved in a small group for young married couples---which we're excited about, but since they all have kids we feel like we don't completely fit in or belong. We can't speed up or slow down for either and sometimes it's frustrating. But in all fairness, we do have some wonderful recently married friends we are getting closer to and we are very thankful for all the friendships we've developed here.

I am incredibly thankful for the friends we have made in Buffalo and the ones I have scattered all over the country. I am thankful for friends who think differently than I do---for challenging me and stretching me. I am also thankful for like minded friends that keep me grounded and encourage me when I'm struggling. The last few weeks have held some absolutely wonderful and uplifting times with friends. (Thank you!)

And they've also held moments when I've felt a little lost.

I guess I just feel so very different than even myself just one year ago. I feel things in my life changing that I didn't expect to change so quickly like priorities, relationships, and even passions. I find myself overwhelmed at times, struggling against some of the changes, or at least coming to terms with them. I feel like they are probably good changes, or at least not bad changes. But I've never experienced anything like this up to this point. I've changed yes---but in a much more progressive self-centered way. The changes now are influenced by things like being marriage: making decisions that bring you closer together and benefit you both.

This post has been a little personal and very rambly but a huge release. Thank you so much for reading, for encouraging me, and for being my friend though all the ups, downs, changes and transitions.

Marriage & Friendships

So this isn't a post about the importance of being friends with your spouse (though I did read an article on that subject today). Rather, it's about how important or unimportant it is to have friends outside of your marriage.

I'm going to go ahead and start off by admitting that I don't really know the answer. I'm curious what other married couples think about this.

I've heard people insist that it is crucial. You absolutely need friends and an outlet outside of your marriage to keep it healthy and to keep yourself sane. I do believe that interaction with other people is pretty important. But I believe that to be the case regardless of relationship status. Isolating oneself can lead to a lot of problems. Then again, that's not a universal "truth" either. There are always exceptions to general rules.

On the other hand, you can interact with people and have friends without really having friendships. My mom and dad were in ministry so they really didn't have a lot of close friends outside of each other. Sure they interacted with people regularly, but I don't remember my mom going out with girl friends to movies, or on girls nights. We mostly did things as a family. (And they have a fantastic marriage).

Since being married, I've seen it happen naturally. I'm busier so I want my free time to be spent with my husband. I'm not lonely or alone so I don't feel the need to go out all of the time. I don't even feel lame for watching t.v. on a Friday night.

Don't get me wrong, we have some of the best friends and we hang out with people all the time. I love being around people. For that matter I've found I'm in a much better place when I am taking time to get together with other women and friends for fellowship and encouragement. 

Yet, there are days when I miss having a best friend in town...to meet up with regularly for coffee, to confide in all the things I feel like I'm keeping bottled up (even if I'm sharing them with John Paul), to just feel comfortable with and like there is a mutual closeness there. Part of me wants that, but another part wants to be content without it.

I think everyone has a different opinion on this and I'm not convinced there is a right one. It probably depends a lot on your circumstances, your personality, the couple, etc. At the end of the day you learn to be content with whatever your circumstances are, always keep your relationship with your spouse top priority (over friends) and try not to isolate yourself.

Is that enough?

The Baby Bug

I write very little on here about John Paul and I's plans for children. The reason for that is simply that there are a lot of varying opinions on the subject in my family and it is something I think is better left for personal one on one conversations. John Paul and I are on the same page about starting a family and it's not something that is completely in our control right now, but I think we're doing the things we should be doing at this point. And as far as the when and whys, I'll just leave it at that. You're welcome to talk to me personally about it if you are intrigued.

That being said, this is in fact a post about babies! I've said before that John Paul and I both want kids and are looking forward to parenthood. We will be very excited when I get pregnant (she says ambiguously with no clues as to when that will happen).

People talk often about getting "The Baby Bug." The Baby Bug (also known as Baby Fever) is the infectious desire to have a baby. Sometimes it comes from being around other peoples babies, sometimes it's spontaneous, but whatever the reason you can't knock the delirious feeling of wanting to conceive. The fever hit me hard back in February as I started reading baby and mommy blogs, birth stories, etc. Yes I am admitting to wanting to have a baby. However, that's never been a secret. The "secret" is when I will have a baby, and truth be told, I don't know the answer to that question. But even so, I've been unable to help myself with some daydreaming and light "planning."

Of course, there are also many days when I feel like I'm not ready at all for that stage of life to begin. I am very aware of the realities that come with motherhood. I know that this time of being married without kids is precious. Becoming parents will change everything. We won't be able to be involved in and do as many things, we'll be tighter financially, our dynamic with each other will change and our relationships with others will change. I always find myself torn between excitement and wariness when it comes to entering the world of parenthood.

Over the last year, I've realized that I have some fears about becoming a mother. There are definitely children in our future, but I thought for today I would share my fears. I think they're good and healthy in a lot of ways. I should clarify, they aren't things that will keep us from having kids. They are just things that I've found I think about often. To be honest I'm kind of looking for some kind of validation or encouragement that my fears are normal and okay.

So here are five fears I have about having a baby...

1. Timing

I want to be able to have conversations with my family and friends about my feelings on having kids. I want their feedback and perspective, I really do. I feel like I have been keeping those feelings bottled up out of an anxiety that no matter what sorts of decisions we make, we will never be able to please everyone. It's not really that I feel we have to please everyone. At the end of the day, this is between us and God. It's just that I love every member of my family so much I can't stand the thought of being looked down upon. Now, this fear isn't entirely fair. I know that our families love us and respect our decisions. I also know that they will all be incredibly supportive and excited whenever we get pregnant. But I do care about their opinions and I know there is no timing that will make everyone happy.

2. New York

Okay, I know it sounds silly but I'm referring to my unfamiliarity with my new state. I have very specific desires for the birth and care of my child and a strong feeling that I will have to fight for those desires. I knew how things worked in NC legally, the best places to have a baby, the doctors that wouldn't hassle me about my decisions. But here, I'm clueless. I've been trying to do some research to ease my fears and make me feel more prepared for when that day comes, but so far it's been pretty difficult to navigate. I really just don't want to have to fight with my doctor or explain the same things over and over. I wish so much my mom was here to help me (or rather that I was in a state my mom knew the ins and outs of), but at this point it seems far more likely for me to have my first child in NY.

3. The Impact on my Body

This is much more than being worried about weight gain. My body is absolutely not ready for pregnancy right now. I'm very out of shape and exhausted all the time. I think if I got pregnant right now, it would take its toll on my health. If I have no energy now, I can't imagine being pregnant and then trying to care for a newborn after having just given birth. I really want to get my body ready for motherhood so that I can be the best mom I can be, and have energy for it. I know I'm not there yet.

4. Attachment

You know when people say they don't want to have kids because they don't want to bring them into such a bad world? I totally get that. I still want to have kids, but I get it. When I think about how emotionally invested I am in my family, and how much it hurts when they make poor decisions that I can't control, I think of how much more I will care about my children. I will do my best to raise them well, but at the end of the day they will be their own person and make their own decisions. I won't have any control and that is terrifying when I know I will love them more than I've ever loved anyone.

5. Separation

John Paul and I are in a phase of social flexibility. We have both married friends and single friends, but none of our closest friends have kids. I do have friends with kids, but not in town and not in my circle of friends that I interact with regularly. I guess a lot of days I'm impatient for everyone else to catch up. If our best friends aren't even married yet and we're already thinking kids, won't that separate us even further?

Of course I can't rush anyone, and I wouldn't want to. They need to let their lives unfold in its natural timing and enjoy each stage as it comes. It would also be ridiculous to base when we had kids on anyone else around us. We can't sit around waiting for everyone else to catch up when that could be years and years and has nothing to do with us. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of moving into a new phase of life, but I guess I don't want to leave anyone behind by entering it. I'll probably make new friends that are moms, but I can't knock the sinking feeling that motherhood will separate me from the close friends in my life right now. Maybe that won't happen. Maybe it won't matter as much to me as I think it will. How can I even know?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, there you have it. These are the kinds of things that are on my mind lately. Maybe next time I'm brave enough to blog about having a baby I will write about the five things I'm most looking forward to! :)

Alright, I'm going to hit publish before I change my mind about this post...ready set go...

Hello July

(This is a picture from high school of me and one of my favorite people, Meryl. She lives in Colorado now, but by a small miracle I get to see her tomorrow! which will kick off a July full of special visits.)

I honestly can't believe it is July. This summer is turning out to be a crazy busy one. It's a good thing there are 5 complete weekends in this particular July. John Paul and I look forward to multiple visits from friends and family as well as our one year anniversary. As everything unfolds, I will undoubtedly be sharing and documenting. 

July started with fireworks and tomorrow I get to spend some time with one of my favorite people whom  I rarely get to see: Meryl!

This weekend is our anniversary celebration. There is a mini photo shoot planned along with some local exploration. But most excitingly...there will be a guest post from a very attractive man...

But all in good time.

For today, I will just leave you with my current "to read" list.

My book shelf has a sizable stack of unread books both fiction and non, so I've ordered myself to not purchase anything new until I make some progress. However, there are three books that I am anxious to get my hands on as soon as possible. Erasing Hell by Francis Chan to add to the conversation that has dominated Christian circles this year, This is a Book by Demetri Martin because Demetri and I get along swimmingly when it comes to humor, and Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll because it is a classic that I have never taken the time to read as of yet.

Until then...I will continue reading the books from my previous reading list and enjoy a month full of love and time shared.

Happy July Everyone

The Art of Gift Giving

Have you ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman?

It's a good read. It talks about all the different "languages" or ways that we give and receive love. Often you show love to others in the way you want to receive love. The five are:

Physical Touch

Quality Time

Words of Affirmation

Acts of Service

Gifts

Nothing is universal but I think it's a good resource for marriage and even parenting because it helps you understand your partner or kids better. It helps you understand how they understand love and better ways to show them love.

I remember a time when my dad cleaned our house for my mom, and she didn't really notice, and he was upset because he was trying to be thoughtful and show her love by doing something nice for her. But that wasn't my moms love language, it was my dads. Eventually she realized that when my dad served her like this, he was trying to show her his love, and she could appreciate that. They also started to learn how to put effort into showing love in the way that meant the most to the other.

Honestly though, I think most people like all of the love languages in the right setting. We just tend to have a dominant one.

My love language is gifts. I hate telling people that because everyone thinks that gifts is the selfish, materialistic one. "Gift people" just want stuff and you have to spend lots of money on them. This couldn't be further from the truth for me.

I think anyone whose gotten to know me figures out that gifts are my love language pretty early on. I love to give gifts. I want time to put thought into them, personalize them. I want to know you well enough to get you something you will love or something that will mean something to you.

As far as receiving gifts, expense has nothing to do with it. I love letters and cards. I would cherish a leaf or a rock if it had sentiment and a good story behind it.  I love flowers. I love sharing meals. I love homemade things, books, trinkets found in thrift stores and at yard sales. But you have to really know a person before you can find things that remind you of them, or you know they'd love.

I'm going to use Margaret from Nightingale Handmade as an example. She recently posted about decorating her screened-in porch noting all the different elements that for the most part were thrifted or gifted. Her dad picked up crates off the side of the road because he knew she would love them and she did! She used them as side tables and they look pretty awesome. I love that. He saw something, thought of her, and took the time to pick them up. No currency was involved yet it was a great gift!

It seems like most people hate giving gifts. How do you know what to get someone? So much pressure! And even more so when you know that person is a "gift person." I sometimes wish I could just made a list of all the things I love for people who have no clue what gift to get me, but I never will. As much as I love giving and receiving I never want to be the person who wants "stuff." That's just not me. I don't really care if I get anything at all for my birthday. I don't want to be hurt when I don't receive a gift...because at the end of the day...it's not really important. Love is shown in so many ways, and time spent together is more precious. And to be honest, having gifts come only rarely makes them that much more treasured.

Gift giving...it's kind of an art, isn't it?

Oswego Lighthouse

There is a small old lighthouse located in Oswego, NY on the shores of Lake Ontario. I, of course, had no idea it existed until yesterday. The only way to reach it (other than I suppose by some difficult boating situation) is along a series of deteriorating rocks that make up the harbor. In the winter, this path is pretty much impassible, and it is also precarious anytime the weather is poor.

(Winter)

(Stormy Weather)

But in the summer months, it clears up and you can carefully make the trek in less than an hour.

This past weekend, John Paul and I headed up to Syracuse, NY. Syracuse is John Paul's hometown, and most of his best friends and a lot of his family still live there. We try to take weekend trips as often as possible since it's only about 2 hours away. John Paul is playing guitar for a worship event next weekend and had to be up this weekend for practice, so I tagged along. It was a great weekend as usual. I feel most myself in Syracuse for some reason.

We were staying with John Paul's best friend Joey and his family, as usual. As requested by Joey's dad for Father's day, we headed up to Oswego. We ate lunch at a little lake-side restaurant where I could see a lighthouse in the distance. Mr. B proceeded to take us there after lunch. After driving down a road that I would have never traversed without a local (it looked off-limits, lots of no trespassing signs and barbed wire passing a power plant) we arrived at an almost hidden lot that already had a few cars in it. From there you could see the lighthouse out in the water with a long trail of rocks leading to it. I call them rocks, but they were manmade, left from a harbor. The harbor is pretty intact at first, you can still see places to tie off large boats and people are fishing off the side. From there you can start walking towards the lighthouse. The path deteriorates slowly, making the way more and more like a rock climb/hike and less like following a smooth sidewalk. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to make the trek to the lighthouse, but we went about halfway.

There is nothing more fun to me than being outside in beautiful weather. Even more so with an activity or goal. I love hiking and historical sites so I was very enthusiastic about this excursion. I absolutely want to go back and take on the "harder" last part of the hike and see the lighthouse up close. (There will definitely be a Part 2 to this post once I get John Paul to take me back).

(How the path looks on a sunny day)

I like to travel, and I like history. I often set my traveling sights high (Europe, Asia, etc) and those places are amazing and on the list. But I've realized that most every area of the country, every little small town, has some interesting local history or spot. Mr. B had an atlas out in the car and was pointing out all the cool "spots" within a 3 hour radius of Syracuse in New York. I obviously am not from here and had no idea these places existed, but isn't that the same wherever you go? We could take countless weekend trips within just a few hours of Buffalo and see some beautiful and interesting things. Every state in the U.S. is so different and unique and full of history and experiences. And it's a heck of a lot cheaper than flying overseas. It's become my new goal to see all there is to see within the states and have fun taking lots of weekend travels to beautiful places.

Summer time in New York is so beautiful and I hope it's full of trips like this.

Newlywed Travels

This week we took a trip to Toronto, Canada with a couple friends of ours. Toronto is a fun city and pretty close by. John Paul and I went last fall for a weekend that included Casa Loma and a Yankees game. This trip came together after I bought concert tickets for John Paul. The show was on a Monday night so we decided to make a trip of it, stay overnight and spend the day in Toronto on Tuesday. 

We were joined by our friends Justin and Janelle, so it was a newlywed double date trip. :)

(This picture is from the Royal Ontario Museum)

By the way, this was a good museum. We spent, no lie, 6 hours in the museum. They had the best Dinosaur bone collection I've ever gotten to see in person as you can see by the scary T-Rex above.

(This was our vantage point at the show)

(I looked like a ghost compared to Jon's California tan)

Jon Foreman told me directly that there is in fact a new Fiction Family album completed and ready to be released. I'm pretty excited, I wasn't sure if they would do anything more together. Wait...is this considered a leak of information???

This trip had a lot of wonderful ingredients: live music, good conversations, history, food, coffee, friends, exploration... Even just a weekend or an overnight trip to somewhere close by can be an adventure. This was also one of the first times I've traveled with just friends and I recommend it. We had two days full of great conversations about newlywed life and joint exploration of the city. Heres to more weekends (and mid-week trips haha) like these. :)