It is quite possible that I have over a dozen drafted posts that I haven't had the nerve to hit "publish" on. I write them, it helps me process, but by the moment I type my last sentence I am sure it's not worth sharing publicly. Each day I find myself less and less enamored with social media and more convinced it's not the greatest avenue of discourse.
From the Penn State debacle to the Chick-fil-a controversy to the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenom...I find myself constantly irritated by the responses I see around me and wanting to add my two cents. I've tried to keep those sorts of current issues off my blog as much as possible seeing as they are incredibly divisive and easily misunderstood. Besides, there's more than enough people writing about these issues on the internet already. It doesn't seem worth it.
Then there's been the baby posts. At the beginning of the week I was typing a 33 week update and got to the end and felt it was too negative. I was whining. So I let it sit for a few hours and sure enough I felt much better later in the day (once the a/c kicked on at the office) and a lot less irritable.
I don't want my blog to be a place to vent. I don't think people enjoy reading negative posts. Yet, I've always used this blog as a place to process and prompt discourse on important issues. And I really admire honesty over "fluff." That's always been my purpose and if that is no longer my purpose for writing...then what is?
There are lots of things I want to write about.
I want to write about my experiences with pregnancy and the baby but I don't like that it makes me feel vulnerable and judged at times. Nothing annoys me more than the "remarks" and jokes that often follow a post where I'm sharing my heart (though of course the majority of comments are positive and I really appreciate them). And I'm a little fearful of getting stuck in the "mommy blogger" niche. I'm excited about becoming a mother, but I'd like to be both a mom and Noelle. I know my identity will be irreversibly intertwined with motherhood from the moment I meet my son, but I want to hold onto the things that define me outside of motherhood as well.
I want to write about my faith.
I want to write about marriage.
I want to share the creativity of others.
I want to share my creative moments.
I want to encourage growth in others.
I want to write about health and food.
I want to write about issues that matter.
I want to write about books, movies, and music.
I want to share my life with others.
I want...I want...what do I want?
I guess as time has gone by I've just wondered if I've lost sight of why I blog. Maybe I ought to take a step back and examine my motives so that when I take a step forward, its a purposeful step.
...and here I am again at the end of another post, wondering if I should even hit publish...