I have drafted so many posts over the last few weeks and not ever published them. I think that maybe I am just feeling "lack luster" in general and am afraid that has spilled over into my writing. Things are going pretty well right now, and yet I have a serious case of the "blahs". I think it's just a combination of many small little feelings of discontent rather an any one major thing.
We're living with my in-laws while we look for a new place. Overall, it's good. They're easy to live with and it's helping us save some money in the interim. Being around people all the time has helped keep me active and prevented those occasional days where all I do is sleep, lay around, and get antsy. But I miss things about having our own place and it just being us two. Everything here feels "on hold." Plus, the combination of moving a little father out of Buffalo and recently changing churches has separated us from our circle of friends. I'm getting lots of family-social time (which I really do love) but I'm getting next to no friends-time. And it's leaving a gap to be filled. I feel disconnected.
Then there's the pregnancy stress. Don't get me wrong, overall my pregnancy has been pretty uneventful. The second trimester really is the best and seeing so many of my friends have babies this past week has been a real joy. But I find myself fighting insecurity and worry with an alarming frequency.
I'm jealous of moms with great pregnancy style, who get no stretch marks and make pregnancy look fabulous. I feel like I'm gaining too much weight and am going to resemble a zebra before this is all over. And I'm thinking about money more than I ever have. All the things we'll need, the budget once the baby comes, unexpected expenses that might pop up...it's enough to make anyone dizzy. But even more than finances, I stress about being prepared mentally, and get scared about fighting with my doctor over how I'd like things to go.
If you know anything about me and how I dream, you won't be surprised to hear that I am dreaming about pregnancy and babies so vividly that I often have to separate reality and my dreams during the day (are they having a baby or did I just dream that?).
I know these feelings are pretty standard for expectant mothers. And I also know that I can't let them consume me. At the end of the day I just have to give everything to God and rest in Him. I think I'm doing a pretty good job the majority of the time, but there are moments when I just feel weary.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
- Matthew 11:28 -